There's Always Something, Isn't There?

______Alrightly, so I don't think I can really keep this in my head any longer, you guys.  For the past few weeks, I just haven't been in the outfit zone.  You know that zone?  Yeah, you know that zone.  I've been having confidence issues about the way I look (ha, but who doesn't?), which has subsequently made me want to blog these darn pictures of myself less and less (she writes as she posts pictures).





______So I got pretty awesome healthy about two or so years ago, and since then, I've been doing well to maintain that healthiness, but sometimes I can sort of take it to the extreme and exercise too much or not listen to my body when it's hungry or even deprive myself a little.  I'm not going to lie--I'm afraid that I'll gain weight.  I'm afraid of not being skinny.  I'm afraid of going back to where I started.

______I am a little underweight, yeah, and I've been aware of that for quite some time now, but I've recently been trying to do something about it; I know it's the right thing to do, the healthy thing to do.  I have been (reluctantly) attempting to gain an extra bit of weight, just a few pounds so I'm not feeling so weak and sparkly-headed all the time.  For the past month or so, I've been eating enough, which correlates to me feeling pretty awful since eating more than what I'm used to brings on the guilt.  I want to be healthy, but I want to be skinny, too.  It's silly, really.

______And I've gained about four pounds, and yeah, I do feel physically better--I don't get dizzy when I stand up quickly, I don't get lightheaded from standing in hot showers any longer, I feel like I have more energy, my bike rides are much smoother and easier, I am generally much more smilier... But then because numbers and precision and perfection all play such a big role in my life, not always fitting into a certain size or seeing a number that's greater than what I'm accustom to relentlessly attacks my sanity.  Even though I know that it's better to weigh a little more and be healthy, opposed to being a super tiny beanpole of dizziness and hungriness, the numbers and such still get me.  Even if I don't look that different, I feel so very different.



______"Oh, but you look the same. You look great!"

______You look great... Ah, yep.  That's nice, and I know that people don't mean it in a condescending manner, but unfortunately I read that as, "You look great now, so if you gain even a pound, you might not look as great. So be wary--don't mess up!"

______So there's a mental war going on my head between too many differing factors: what I see when I look at myself vs. what people say about themselves or me vs. what I think of myself vs. how I interpret things vs. bunches of other perplexing things that probably don't even logically work their way into this war.  It's been a war ever since I can remember remembering things, and I often find myself wondering if other people think about their weight and such as much as I do--are we all just so excellent at keeping it one big secret?  Is that the case?  I'm unsure.



______The other day, a girl told me, "You're so skinny. I hate you. How are you so skinny?" and I tried to brush it off and say, "Well, I just eat really healthy and ride my bike a lot," and she snapped, "What? Is that a fat joke?" and it wasn't at all, and I was only answering her question.  Then she said, "You just have a fast metabolism. That's all it is. You're just one of those skinny girls who eats and eats and never has to worry about gaining weight."  But that's not the case, and it never has been.

______It isn't as if arguing would have accomplished much, so I just didn't reply.  I couldn't say anything.  I wasn't sure if I walked away in defeat for not standing up for myself, or victory for being the bigger person.

______I don't understand why people find it necessary to discuss their weight or appearance in such derogatory ways.  It just makes everyone else reevaluate themselves and the way they look.  It instigates feelings of guilt, of doubt, of self-hatred, or just makes someone feel a tad worse about themselves than before.  Nine times out of ten, it will encourage some kind of negative behavior or thought.  I keep things to myself for that very reason--because I know how hard it is for me, so I can only imagine that it's the same or worse for others.  I'm not saying that makes me a better person.  I'm not trying to say anything like that at all.



______But 'ey, I won't ramble on this for too long.  I just wanted to let you all know what was going on in my head, because I do like to be honest and use this blog like a giant, public diary, one that people in real life will hopefully never see.

______I really am trying to be more confident about the way I look, but it's difficult.  It's difficult having your weight dictate your happiness, and I know it's ridiculous to even have your weight dictate your happiness in the first place, but it's easier said than done.  And I say this because I know it and I've been fighting such a feeling my whole life.  It hasn't gotten easier, but I hope it will with time and effort.



Top: Forever 21
Skirt: Know-Style
Necklace: Rire Boutique
Earrings, ankle booties: Charming Charlie