Monday, April 28, 2014

The Way It Was

A Grape Outfit

______My lady balls were more massive than ever when I took a chance on liking a guy. Liking a guy who wasn't a fictional character or one of my hottie biscotti teachers was personally one of the gutsiest decisions I've made, one of the farthest steps I could have taken from my comfy, comfy comfort zone. I liked this guy because his personality seemed genuine, he was humorous, he had artsy inclinations, and, well, he kind of seemed like a dork. I wasn't even physically attracted to him. I was drawn to the inside and thought it was astounding that a person could be so distinct and so persistent on touching base with me every day.

______But after the Pokemon kiss, his text messages became sparser and less energetic. No more "good morning! / good night!" notes accompanied by a plethora of cutesy emojis. No more spontaneous selfies and cringe-worthy puns. Just words and the occasional observation. I knew it was nearing the end of the semester and that he and many others were stressed and occupied with college work, and I understood that notion and ignored the lack of phone activity for a while, occupying my time with springy bike rides and painting. But on the inside, something didn't feel right. Something was very left.

A Grape OutfitA Grape Outfit
A Grape Outfit

______I encountered him two weeks later in the painting studio. He was speaking to another person so I momentarily tucked my lady balls away and remained non-intrusive. He noticed me and glanced up to say hello, and I greeted him casually as I prepared my painting space. I slid my current project onto an easel, scrapped together a shade of intense turquoise, and began smothering it on the paper before me. A few tense minutes later, he straightened up in preparation to leave, but before he passed through those doors to vanish for an indeterminate amount of time...

______Go go gadget: lady balls! I flicked my paintbrush into its jar, bristle side up, and shimmied on up to him. "Can I ask you something?" I said in the most normal tone I could manage. I did not want to make things weird. I just wanted to know where we stood. Is that okay? I feel like that's reasonable.

______He paused in his footsteps and his eyes locked with mine. I hesitated. All right, come on, let's get this over with. Be strong, child. Be a khaleesi. Blood of the dragon. 

______"I don't want to be weird about this, but are we... is there something going on between us relationship-wise? Whichever way it goes, I'm fine with the answer, but I'd just like a clear one." I think I said that. It was probably more choppy than that. More choppy and elucidated with much less grace, like a hastily hashed up Subway salad.

______He straightened his neck. "I... don't think so," he replied. Oh. Man. Crud. Ali, what have you dooooone.

______I half-smiled. I told him thanks for letting me know and that's what I thought, too. There were some other words exchanged, but they were mushed together like soggy alphabet cereal and essentially reconciliations of the above. He said if I wanted to talk about it we could, but he also had class soon so I told him nah, thanks again, and he exited the building. I don't know why I thanked him. I was relieved that I knew the truth, I suppose. Relieved that I welded myself a set of iron guts for this specific quest.

______Yay, guts. Sigh and ugh.

A Grape Outfit
A Grape OutfitA Grape Outfit

______I believe a kiss is special thing and I still do. I understand that not all people think the same thing and are more... charitable with them. Perhaps since it was my first one, I stuck it on a golden chariot and cherished it for too long. I'm sure he's kissed a few girls, maybe more than that, and perhaps I was simply a person who ended up not working out. I know it's about to be summer, too. I don't want to play blame games or wallow in self-pity but I was severely throw off by the notion that he wouldn't have just said something. We're adults here. Right? Adults can converse about these things. It's all right to talk plainly about such things and doesn't mean you're being obsessive or needy; it's just making things concrete and clear. I think it shows a lot of maturity.

______I guess on mostly caught up in the sudden drop of contact: it would be much less cryptic to just tell someone things didn't feel right, yeah? It's perplexing how something that seemed so precious can puddle into a gray mass of questions and re-analyzations so quickly. I don't feel a great sadness. I'm not hurt. There was just a lack of communication, which was more disappointing than being straight-up and hearing that no, there wasn't a spark, and no, things probably wouldn't work out. The fact that I had to decipher a few conversations over two weeks and ask him myself wrecked more havoc on my mind than it should have. He was the one who sparked the first conversation, initially asked for my number, and first touched my hand, yet he was the one to wiggle away from it all. And all I really would have liked was an explanation, a why behind the uncertainty.

______I digress. At least now I'll have more time for cultivating a herb garden and seizing small tropical islands. We're back to our regularly schedule programming, folks!

A Grape Outfit

Blazer: JC Penny (similar)
Maxi dress: Kohl's (similar)
Sandals: Franco Sarto (similar)
Anchor belt: via Lotus Boutique
Necklace: Charming Charlie


Gentri said...

First- your outfit is super cute, love this look!
Second- I'm so sorry that things didn't work out w this guy. If you do need someone to talk to please message me! I so understand this feeling.

Rachel said...

You have guts, that's for sure! That sounds so like me--I'm definitely the type to ask directly and get everything out in the open than trying to deal with that miserable guessing and wondering...

Katie Aman said...

Ali, how frustrating! It continually amazes me to think of the differences between the male and female brains. I still have no idea how they function and I've been living with one for three and a half years. They simply just don't...communicate well or understand some of the implications of their actions. Blah.

As far as your photos darling, I think these might be some of my favorites yet! That long black dress and light purple blazer are sooo beautiful together. And I am swooning over your ever-lovely locks of flaxen hair! A topsy-turvy half ponytail is such a clever idea and how DO you get your curls to just sit there like perfectly smooth little cherubs?

Hope you have a great start to your week Ali! :)


You look beautiful and the pink blazer is such a great bold colour on you. Sorry to hear about this guy, females are just more mature in the relationship department.

Keit said...

That's my "favorite" part after getting into a relationship- when the person on the other side start behaving like a cryptic douche and you have to fight your way through their silent behavior and just straight up ask them: "WTF DUDE?"...Yup, favorite!
At least he said it's over and not like other men I've been with who say "oh no, I love you, you're my precious, I would die for you" and just continue to ignore you... I hate people...
But hey, at least you got your first kiss! And believe me, kisses are not that big of a deal, especially the "first" kiss, and especially "the first time" know what I mean, lol. They're usually both shitty experiences.
But I'm happy your first kiss was so perfect, mine was...okay I guess :D
As for the outfit, I luuuv those sandals and the sexy dress! *_*

Frannie Pantz said...

Aw bummer Ali. I'm sorry. But at least he was honest and at least you had the "lady balls" to bring it up. As a (much) older woman, let me be cliche and just say that there are plenty more fish in the sea and you're so young, you have plenty of time to find a prince charming. I had to go through many, many frogs before I found mine.

Alissa said...

Listen. You keep those lady balls up. You will find in life that when you have those balls on you find out who is really there for you and who will make the cut. Sometimes it is painful but I look back and realize that the friend and I never would have worked out. You hold your amazingly perfect neck up.

Ivana Split said...

there are days when I just don't get man...and I don't meant it only in a relationship sort of way. I just to think there is no difference between us but more the time passes I feel like we're different species....not in a way one is good and the other bad, we just have hard time communicating with one another.

Anyway, you did the right thing straightening that out...and you look lovely! nice curls and a great maxi!

Kristian said...

First off, let me just say, this might be a new favorite outfit from you. You look like a million bucks.

Secondly... guys are weird. As sisters and friends go through relationship stuff, it was been really eye opening to hear what my husband thinks is going on and why with whatever guy is they are seeing. Men just think really different.

But, a first kiss is always special, because it is first and now there will others- other kisses that will be the first kiss with that person and they will be just as precious.

LyddieGal said...

Just going to say it, Ali, I love you.

There are too many girls who would carry on, imagining some kind of relationship, trying to force things, making up excuses for guys... but you took charge of the situation and put yourself out there. You wanted to know where you stood, so you just asked. It's so simple, and so wonderful and now you know. Sure it would have been nice if he'd wanted more, but it's his loss!

chic on the cheap

Jessi said...

Wow you do have "lady balls"!! (lol) I don't think I'd be brave enough to confront him. Good on you! Sorry things didn't work out. That just means someone better is coming along ;) you look beautiful and I love love this maxi dress and those sandals of perfection!


Jacqueline Stewart said...

I think it is good to ask him about it to get your peace of mind. I mean, you won't ever know what he was thinking about it all Ali, but you can take happiness and consolation in the fact that you were honest and free with your feelings, at the beginning, and when you wanted clarification. This honesty, and the ability to be truthful to oneself and others is a great skill...and I guess some people hide their feelings after being hurt or 'shunned' - for want of a better word, but, they shouldn't! Because being honest and open is not something to hide. It is a great skill, and you'll find a man that values your openness, honesty and lady balls! :) and, ps mon petit chou, your outfit is gorgeous! Love the colors :)

Kelsey Bang said...

fun look! love those great sandals! so cute!

Cory Lo said...

Sorry to hear about the guy, what a bummer. You have got some real guts! Keep going girl. Love the outfit by the way x

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Sammi said...

You look beautiful, my friend. I'm so sorry things didn't work out with the boy, but you have such a great head on your shoulders, and major kudos to you for being direct and honest. It will serve you so well in the future. This guy sounds like a very typical college boy, and you sound far beyond your years, dear girl. <3

xox Sammi

Sam said...

Thanks for having the courage to share this with us Ali and for being brave enough to do what so many girls can't, speak up and find out whats going on. I am in completely admiration of you, if he didn't want anything further he should have said something instead of making you think otherwise, he seriously does not know what he has missed out on and its his loss, you are an amazing beautiful person, inside and out and I know soon someone will come by who will be able to appreciate you as you deserve. You look so beautifully elegant in this dress, love the curls and the chic blazer.

Linda B said...

Everyone has said things that I agree with, although the first thing I could think was: Damn...guys are STUPID.
I'm sorry your first kiss turned out this way. Everyone always romanticizes it, but the truth is, it's never how we imagine it will be. I still remember mine, and it was horrid and awkward and cold. Lol we were snowmobiling when it hapenned. The guy had to have it outline and planned down to the moment, and it totally turned me off.
At least yours happened while watching Pokemon...
But anyway, not the point. Your balls are enormous Ali, and I'm jealous and inspired by how brave you were to just confront him about it and find out for yourself.
On a side note, you also look amazing. Love the deep purple maxi dress and your Jesus sandals ;)

The Dragonfruit Diaries

Rin Handika said...

Loveee everything on you especially your sandals and your black maxi dress! Its suit you well! :)

mochaccinoland said...

your hair looks simply gorgeous in the first photo! looking pretty as always babe.

sorry to read that your relationship with that guy didn't turn out the way u wanted to be.

nonetheless, i saluted you for being such a gutsy lady. bravo gal! your knight in shining armour will come riding up your front door one day. there is a special someone waiting for u somewhere.

happy weekend!


Dus of Cuddly Cacti said...

aww i'm sorry to hear it didn't work out! but i still think it's great you asked him to be clear on his feelings. anyway, you look gorgeous in this maxi w/ the purple blazer. seriously! i'm surprised all those silly college boys aren't just crawling all over your painting space.

Joyce said...

Awww sorry to hear things didn't work out! But I think you are so amazing for having the guts to straight up ask him what's up. So much better/clearer than just keeping things muddled. I guess boys are just weird sometimes.

And ahhh I love the beautiful color of your jacket ^_______^

Boheme.Fille said...

I just love this outfit, gal! Fantastic colors! The dress is lovely!
On the another note: so sorry it didn't worked out with that guy. I know the feeling, I have this "gift" of misunderstanding messages from guys or if I think again: they're weirdos, one time it seems they are head over heels for you, the next time they pretend like they don't know you. You just need to find the right guy and than everything will fall into place.
Take your time! :)