Monday, April 28, 2014
The Way It Was
______My lady balls were more massive than ever when I took a chance on liking a guy. Liking a guy who wasn't a fictional character or one of my hottie biscotti teachers was personally one of the gutsiest decisions I've made, one of the farthest steps I could have taken from my comfy, comfy comfort zone. I liked this guy because his personality seemed genuine, he was humorous, he had artsy inclinations, and, well, he kind of seemed like a dork. I wasn't even physically attracted to him. I was drawn to the inside and thought it was astounding that a person could be so distinct and so persistent on touching base with me every day.
______But after the Pokemon kiss, his text messages became sparser and less energetic. No more "good morning! / good night!" notes accompanied by a plethora of cutesy emojis. No more spontaneous selfies and cringe-worthy puns. Just words and the occasional observation. I knew it was nearing the end of the semester and that he and many others were stressed and occupied with college work, and I understood that notion and ignored the lack of phone activity for a while, occupying my time with springy bike rides and painting. But on the inside, something didn't feel right. Something was very left.
______I encountered him two weeks later in the painting studio. He was speaking to another person so I momentarily tucked my lady balls away and remained non-intrusive. He noticed me and glanced up to say hello, and I greeted him casually as I prepared my painting space. I slid my current project onto an easel, scrapped together a shade of intense turquoise, and began smothering it on the paper before me. A few tense minutes later, he straightened up in preparation to leave, but before he passed through those doors to vanish for an indeterminate amount of time...
______Go go gadget: lady balls! I flicked my paintbrush into its jar, bristle side up, and shimmied on up to him. "Can I ask you something?" I said in the most normal tone I could manage. I did not want to make things weird. I just wanted to know where we stood. Is that okay? I feel like that's reasonable.
______He paused in his footsteps and his eyes locked with mine. I hesitated. All right, come on, let's get this over with. Be strong, child. Be a khaleesi. Blood of the dragon.
______"I don't want to be weird about this, but are we... is there something going on between us relationship-wise? Whichever way it goes, I'm fine with the answer, but I'd just like a clear one." I think I said that. It was probably more choppy than that. More choppy and elucidated with much less grace, like a hastily hashed up Subway salad.
______He straightened his neck. "I... don't think so," he replied. Oh. Man. Crud. Ali, what have you dooooone.
______I half-smiled. I told him thanks for letting me know and that's what I thought, too. There were some other words exchanged, but they were mushed together like soggy alphabet cereal and essentially reconciliations of the above. He said if I wanted to talk about it we could, but he also had class soon so I told him nah, thanks again, and he exited the building. I don't know why I thanked him. I was relieved that I knew the truth, I suppose. Relieved that I welded myself a set of iron guts for this specific quest.
______Yay, guts. Sigh and ugh.
______I believe a kiss is special thing and I still do. I understand that not all people think the same thing and are more... charitable with them. Perhaps since it was my first one, I stuck it on a golden chariot and cherished it for too long. I'm sure he's kissed a few girls, maybe more than that, and perhaps I was simply a person who ended up not working out. I know it's about to be summer, too. I don't want to play blame games or wallow in self-pity but I was severely throw off by the notion that he wouldn't have just said something. We're adults here. Right? Adults can converse about these things. It's all right to talk plainly about such things and doesn't mean you're being obsessive or needy; it's just making things concrete and clear. I think it shows a lot of maturity.
______I guess on mostly caught up in the sudden drop of contact: it would be much less cryptic to just tell someone things didn't feel right, yeah? It's perplexing how something that seemed so precious can puddle into a gray mass of questions and re-analyzations so quickly. I don't feel a great sadness. I'm not hurt. There was just a lack of communication, which was more disappointing than being straight-up and hearing that no, there wasn't a spark, and no, things probably wouldn't work out. The fact that I had to decipher a few conversations over two weeks and ask him myself wrecked more havoc on my mind than it should have. He was the one who sparked the first conversation, initially asked for my number, and first touched my hand, yet he was the one to wiggle away from it all. And all I really would have liked was an explanation, a why behind the uncertainty.
______I digress. At least now I'll have more time for cultivating a herb garden and seizing small tropical islands. We're back to our regularly schedule programming, folks!
Blazer: JC Penny (similar)
Maxi dress: Kohl's (similar)
Sandals: Franco Sarto (similar)
Anchor belt: via Lotus Boutique
Necklace: Charming Charlie