Sailor Dweeb

______Before I knew it, I was teetering over a rock-plated cliff that curved down into the murky lake below: a crescent moon half submerged. Wind rustled the crispy leaves surrounding the three of us. The water glinted a pearly white on its mossy green surface. A lazy Monarch butterfly dragged its wings through the soggy air as my friend's sister snapped pictures of the lake before us.

______Nuh-uh. Nope. Not gonna happen. There's no frick-frakkin' way. My friend moved to my side and gazed over the edge. It was about a 30-foot drop and the raw water lapped and rippled at the cliff's edge below: not dangerously, but not invitingly, either. I watched him watch the water. Take it all in. Become one with nature. Mentally prepare himself to leap off like a crazed yet majestic toad and smack the lake water below, probably only to be devoured by man-eating piranhas that had split heads and teeth like calcified thorns. Good luck getting out of that one. I'll stay up here where it's safe and piranha-less, thank you very much. 

______He gathered his courage quickly, and off he went.

______Or more accurately, off he sprinted. Whatever. He dun scrambled off that big rock like a starry-eyed, 19th century dreamer after gold. Gutsy bruh. Epic poems would probably be carved in tablets of ruby about him, which wouldn't be readable in the least, but hey, ruby tablets. Statues erected in his honor. Maybe also made of rubies, or something more ecologically friendly, like old Pepsi cans surrounding a form of bubble wrap. A comment to the whole retaining the natural lakes concept. His face would be painstakingly embroidered on the pocket of everyone's favorite T-shirt. You know, little enjoyable things. Maybe I'm being a little too dramatic here.

______SPLOOOSH. 

______The lake swallowed him whole and immediately barfed him back up, as if rejecting his presence below water: a fleshy human-shaped bobber. Lake didn't wanna eat him. Maybe the lake didn't wanna eat me, either. Maybe the lake didn't think hominids were tasty. A reasonable theory. An enlightening theory. Only one way to test it.

______He egged me on to go next. Naturally, I hesitated. But after pacing back and forth a few times, my thoughts rigged with self-motivational quotes, I was ready. Lady balls quickly flourished on my person and I primed my face with the most authentic Pokerface I had. Lady Gaga would be proud. Except she wouldn't, because she doesn't know who the heck I am. It's a shame, I know. Air balled up in my windpipe. I took one last glance over the rocky edge, and I went for it.

______I dashed, leaped, and all seemed perfectly decent, like I would fall a short distance until my feet softly touched the earth. Thus was obviously not the case here, for gravity mercilessly pulled me down with its invisible claws. I tried to shout, "Aaah!" but I don't remember if I did or if I could have even remembered to do so. The first few feet falling were slight and easy to stomach and felt like an everyday jump, like one off a squat brick wall with a trampled flower bed at the top, but the last few before you broke the water's surface made you realize your lungs were pushed against your throat, you were weightless and powerless, and that there was no safety net. You were falling. Gravity was your authority. You were in the able hands of Mother Nature. Do or die, motherfuckers. 

______PLERP. 

______I plopped into the water like a dense turd in a shallow toilet and probably with far less grace than one, assuming turds can be graceful. My waterlogged friend cheered me nonetheless, even though my form was haphazard as a soggy Cheerio ripping apart in a bowl of warm milk. I felt like one, too. Arms splayed. Shoulders not tucked into my body. Water definitely infiltrated my nose, much to my displeasure. But I succeeded, and maybe someone would sew an image of my face or at least my eyebrow on their shirt pocket, too. Definitely gnarlier and more extreme than Six Flags. I'm ready for my custom leather jacket, permanent cross-and-bones tattoo, and braided chest hair that'll stream fervently in the wind after my shimmery cobalt Harley gets fixed.

______We two water mongrels gazed up at the cliff, for now it was his sister's turn to join us in the murky depths to become the third mermaid of the lake. I poked my eardrums to draw out water. After some minutes she jumped, too--a quiet, pin-like sploosh into the water--and we soon found ourselves treading in place, hovering over cold spots in the quiet lake.

______It was an experience. One I will only do once, and from now on, I think I'll keep my limbs stuck to the ground or the water rather than hurdling through the air like I'm hurdling through dimensions. 

Top: Tatyana
Oxford heels: Jeffrey Campbell
Socks: Target
Necklace: JCPenny's (similar)
Both linked bracelets: Charming Charlie (similar)