How to Eat Seeded Grapes

______The first step to properly eat seeded grapes is, quite frankly, to have seeded grapes in your possession.  This can happen only by mistakenly purchasing them or receiving them as a spiteful gift from that two-faced liar of a neighbor who also happened to kill your beloved plants when you asked her to water them on a short vacation.

______Perhaps your usual grapes were out of stock and you hastily grabbed those tempting, planetary-looking table grapes as a surefire replacement, or maybe you just forgot to read that darn label. No matter which way you decide to acquire them, it will always be a mistake, because nobody buys seeded grapes unless they want to sabotage or appall whoever is coming over for dinner that night.






______Upon acquiring your nasty, seed-filled grapes, you must proceed to pluck one from its aggregation of spherical brethren and pop it into your mouth. This action is very important and must be done with as little enthusiasm as possible. From here, you will swish the grape around in your mouth and nibble at it delicately, for you do not want to disturb the seeds that are lurking beyond the grape membrane. To do so is to knock at death's door. Why? Because these grapes have no logic, no manners, and no formula for their spontaneous seed counts; where as a large grape the size of a 25-cent bouncy ball may have four seeds, one that is extremely tiny may have just as many. This is also to say that a large grape may have just one seed that is floating away from the center of its expected growth point, because you know, seed spontaneity.

______There is no pattern, and the grapes know that damn well; you must ready yourselves against their unpredictable advances.

______As you munch carefully around the seeds, you will inevitably bite into the grape membrane and its enclosed grape plasma with too much force and scatter the seed(s) into an even more incoherent pattern. From here, your teeth will crunch uncomfortably on a something that will halt your chewing and silence your surroundings.

______Oh no. Oh dear.

______The seed.

______You have done it. You have bitten into the seed, and it will mingle with the grape parts and render the entire grape useless, and you will swallow parts of it and receive in your mouth an unpleasant, woody aftertaste. When (not if) this occurs, you will spit the grape out, frown disgustedly for an indefinite amount of time at a wall and/or the remaining bag of grapes themselves, and proceed to wallow in self-pity, most likely in a corner or at your dining table.

______And that, my friends, is how to properly eat seeded grapes.



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