You Are Not Alone

______The staggering amount of supportive comments I received on my last post was rather awe-inspiring; each one of your honest and thoughtful comments brought me a little smile, an agreeable hum, or something in-between. What was even more eye-opening was the fact that everyone has struggled with accepting their own image at least once before, or still does on a daily basis.

______Knowing that these thoughts have entered most people's minds is more disheartening than it comforting--we all think about these things and yet we fail to open up about them, perhaps because we don't want to seem negative, or perhaps because we dislike to sound as if we're fishing for attention.



______But on the up side, it also made me realize how many kind-hearted people I've met since I began blogging. So many! You're all really lovely, okay? And I'm going to work on accepting myself more, as long as you all promise the same. It will be a long journey--definitely one that's easier said than done...



______That being said, you all should join me in my pirate ship of positivity, yeah?  Step up and enter with your head held high.  We'll be a gang of attractive pirate folk sailing the seas of self-confidence, gliding alongside the winds of acceptance, and landing on the island of "I don't care what these other wimps think of me". You dig?  Good, because once we're on our island of a lengthy name, we'll definitely be digging in the sands of self-love, and subsequently burying any distorted perceptions of ourselves that we may have forgotten to leave behind on the poop deck.  Sick of my extended metaphor yet?  No?  Excellent!

______From there, we'll scale the winding palm trees that dot this island, picking coconuts and collecting them like happy thoughts. Why coconuts? Because coconuts are flippin' glorious, that's why. And because coconuts, like people, have something on the inside that matters much more than the outside. Applying that concept to others is simple--of course, I'm only going to value someone based on the inside, not their exterior! But believing that the same thing applies to myself is what's difficult.



______What I'm trying to say is thank you all for being such a lovely bunch of coconuts people.  Indeed, there are a many sketchy folk who lurk in the crevices of the blogosphere, but there are also thousands of kind people who eclipse the aforementioned.  You're all proof that it's possible to find goodness within the vast confines of the Internet.  Thank you, thank you, and thank you again.

Dress: Charlotte Russe
Tights: Hue
Heels: Liz Claiborne via TJ Maxx
Polka dotty silk scarf: secondhand
Earrings: Charming Charlie
Necklace: vintage

There's Always Something, Isn't There?

______Alrightly, so I don't think I can really keep this in my head any longer, you guys.  For the past few weeks, I just haven't been in the outfit zone.  You know that zone?  Yeah, you know that zone.  I've been having confidence issues about the way I look (ha, but who doesn't?), which has subsequently made me want to blog these darn pictures of myself less and less (she writes as she posts pictures).





______So I got pretty awesome healthy about two or so years ago, and since then, I've been doing well to maintain that healthiness, but sometimes I can sort of take it to the extreme and exercise too much or not listen to my body when it's hungry or even deprive myself a little.  I'm not going to lie--I'm afraid that I'll gain weight.  I'm afraid of not being skinny.  I'm afraid of going back to where I started.

______I am a little underweight, yeah, and I've been aware of that for quite some time now, but I've recently been trying to do something about it; I know it's the right thing to do, the healthy thing to do.  I have been (reluctantly) attempting to gain an extra bit of weight, just a few pounds so I'm not feeling so weak and sparkly-headed all the time.  For the past month or so, I've been eating enough, which correlates to me feeling pretty awful since eating more than what I'm used to brings on the guilt.  I want to be healthy, but I want to be skinny, too.  It's silly, really.

______And I've gained about four pounds, and yeah, I do feel physically better--I don't get dizzy when I stand up quickly, I don't get lightheaded from standing in hot showers any longer, I feel like I have more energy, my bike rides are much smoother and easier, I am generally much more smilier... But then because numbers and precision and perfection all play such a big role in my life, not always fitting into a certain size or seeing a number that's greater than what I'm accustom to relentlessly attacks my sanity.  Even though I know that it's better to weigh a little more and be healthy, opposed to being a super tiny beanpole of dizziness and hungriness, the numbers and such still get me.  Even if I don't look that different, I feel so very different.



______"Oh, but you look the same. You look great!"

______You look great... Ah, yep.  That's nice, and I know that people don't mean it in a condescending manner, but unfortunately I read that as, "You look great now, so if you gain even a pound, you might not look as great. So be wary--don't mess up!"

______So there's a mental war going on my head between too many differing factors: what I see when I look at myself vs. what people say about themselves or me vs. what I think of myself vs. how I interpret things vs. bunches of other perplexing things that probably don't even logically work their way into this war.  It's been a war ever since I can remember remembering things, and I often find myself wondering if other people think about their weight and such as much as I do--are we all just so excellent at keeping it one big secret?  Is that the case?  I'm unsure.



______The other day, a girl told me, "You're so skinny. I hate you. How are you so skinny?" and I tried to brush it off and say, "Well, I just eat really healthy and ride my bike a lot," and she snapped, "What? Is that a fat joke?" and it wasn't at all, and I was only answering her question.  Then she said, "You just have a fast metabolism. That's all it is. You're just one of those skinny girls who eats and eats and never has to worry about gaining weight."  But that's not the case, and it never has been.

______It isn't as if arguing would have accomplished much, so I just didn't reply.  I couldn't say anything.  I wasn't sure if I walked away in defeat for not standing up for myself, or victory for being the bigger person.

______I don't understand why people find it necessary to discuss their weight or appearance in such derogatory ways.  It just makes everyone else reevaluate themselves and the way they look.  It instigates feelings of guilt, of doubt, of self-hatred, or just makes someone feel a tad worse about themselves than before.  Nine times out of ten, it will encourage some kind of negative behavior or thought.  I keep things to myself for that very reason--because I know how hard it is for me, so I can only imagine that it's the same or worse for others.  I'm not saying that makes me a better person.  I'm not trying to say anything like that at all.



______But 'ey, I won't ramble on this for too long.  I just wanted to let you all know what was going on in my head, because I do like to be honest and use this blog like a giant, public diary, one that people in real life will hopefully never see.

______I really am trying to be more confident about the way I look, but it's difficult.  It's difficult having your weight dictate your happiness, and I know it's ridiculous to even have your weight dictate your happiness in the first place, but it's easier said than done.  And I say this because I know it and I've been fighting such a feeling my whole life.  It hasn't gotten easier, but I hope it will with time and effort.



Top: Forever 21
Skirt: Know-Style
Necklace: Rire Boutique
Earrings, ankle booties: Charming Charlie

Like A Fish in the Sea

Something Fishy, 12x8.5, colored pencil, February 2013

______Remember that line drawing from a while back?  Well, I finally colored it!  I forgot I hadn't yet posted it here, and you guys know how I like my things nice and archived.  The hair on this was one stubborn barnacle to color, it was, but after slaving over it for some time, it eventually decided to make some sense of itself.  I knew that once I began the hair, I couldn't stop--it had to be one, fluid motion (fueled by tea, of course).

______And this week, I have lovely news!  Recently, I was notified that I won an art scholarship for next year!  A few weeks ago, I set up some of my art stuffs in a gallery against others with a similar range of art-based hours.  I was a bit nervous about whether or not I would end up with anything this year since there were so many people being judged; however, somehow, someway, I reigned victorious, obtaining a hearty chunk of scholarship money.

______I apologize if anything I just said made me sound like a presumptuous little pop-tart, but it really was the cherry on top of my week.  'Cept I'd rather it be the chocolate fudge sauce on top of my week, for I'm not a fan of those tiny maraschino cherries.  They're overbearingly red, and suspiciously sweet.

______Have a good one!

Once in a Blue Moon

______Just the other week, I was lucky enough to win these precious Jojo Loves You Bling Earrings from a giveaway on Lyddie's blog.  These little guys are the perfect size, and I kind of can't stop staring at them and their reflective-y goodness.  Whenever you move even the slightest bit, the light catches these earrings in a different way and produces a spectrum of all sorts of new, exciting colors.  I'm pretty sure that these lovelies have some sort of magical powers--like the magical powers of summoning ancient dragons or cooking pasta al dente in under a minute.






______I wish I had something deep and introspective to rant to you guys about, but I don't.  Not this week.  That being said, I guess I can ask you all a super important life question instead:

______What's your favorite pasta shape?

______Mine would have to be bowties, but those little squiggly dude noodles are pretty rad, too.

Earrings: c/o Jojo Loves You
Dress: AZWell
Boots: Corral
Necklace: Charming Charlie
(seriously, am I only wearing four things?)

Like Bees to Honey

Honeycomb, wood, 15"x15"x22", 3D Design, Spring 2013

______This was my first project in 3D Design for the semester! It's essentially a big, wooden honeycomb structure, and to make it, I had to use a loud bunch of manly power tools.  I had to miter pieces upon pieces of wood together to make a bunch of hexagons; then, to make the triangles, I had to cut pieces from wood on the bandsaw and sand them down on the wheel sander.  With all this newfound knowledge of dudebro machinery, I could probably build a house.  A really, really awful house.  Or maybe just something that'd be a step up from my starving artist hobo box.



______My teacher was so lovely as to put this in a local art show displaying student work, so that was incredibly flattering!  He described me as a hard worker and a badass, and I'm pretty sure that's one of the highest compliments a teacher can give you.

______He's a pretty rad teacher--just the other day, when I was showing him my design plans for the next project, he saw my Legend of Zelda wallpaper and said, "Wait, is that from Zelda?" and when I nodded a "yeah," he continued, "That's awesome. I thought I saw a rupee. Or a skulltula." So, besides being fellow geeks, I'm pretty sure we're going to be best friends.

Snow Flurries Like Dandelion Seeds

______When I tell people I'm an Art major, they usually reply with something along the lines of, "Well, what are you going to do with that?" or, "Art major? But you're such a smart girl..." These words can seem a bit condescending at times, but I always try my best to reply confidently, even if I'm not 100% sure where I'll end up.  However, I'm sure that most people are simply asking these questions in a curious way, and not as silly non-believers.  As for those non-believers, though, chances are if they're going to make fun of me for being an art major, I'll have already beat them to it.  One thing I'm pretty great at is poking fun at myself.  It's not difficult when you're as lame as I am.

______My dream job is to be an illustrator on the side of being a college drawing instructor, and I'm pretty set on that.  Whether that'd mean illustrating a novel, collection of short stories, book of poetry, or even articles in magazines, I wouldn't mind.  Heck, I'd have a party and a half drawing intricate cell diagrams in biology textbooks; I remember that whenever we'd have to draw a cell diagram in our notes, I'd go doodle-crazy and make some badass mitochondria and super squiggly golgi bodies all up in my cell.  Man, don't even get me started about those endoplasmic reticulums... Swoon!



______Even better, if I could find myself a nice, bike-riding writer, I could illustrate his works and we could be the cutest husband-wife team to exist on any planet ever.  We would have a precious dream life and probably end up living in a box as starving artists, but it would be the most tastefully decorated box in all the land.  I'm talking multiple boxes that are interconnected in the form of a castle, with winding cardboard hallways, secret passages, and maybe even a central courtyard.  Texture-real stones scribbled on the exterior with sharpies that fell from people's purses, and windows crafted from shards of emerald and topaz beer bottles.  A doorbell made from an obnoxious birthday card embedded with Shania Twain's, "Soak up the Sun."  An aluminum front door made from the finest of dented trash can lids.

______Ah, yes, we'd definitely be the bourgeoisie of hobos.  I set my standards high and plan these things early.

______That being said, you all may come over to our box whenever you'd like, though I warn you about the stray dogs and bloodthirsty vermin--they don't much fancy unfamiliar people, and you might end up getting bitten and contracting multiple rare, life-threatening diseases.  Until my hobo days, though, I'll just keep dreaming, waiting, moving forward.



Dress: Charlotte Russe
Studded jacket: JCPenny
Ankle boots: DIY
Socks, stockings: Target
Jewelry: most of it I found under my bed actually