______Many years ago, before the time of dinosaurs and instant oatmeal and the familiar word "hashtag," a being named Ionicus roamed this vast land. Ionicus was a strange crustacean-like creature that scuttled over and through the lava of ancient volcanos. It was blessed with hearty appendages that shot from its rocky body that was curled like two lovers entwined, two burritos gently eloping, two bendy straws bent to the max. Ionicus was seemingly indestructable, for nobody dared enter the lava realm in which it dwelled. The lava glowed a fierce red like the demonic eyes of a rogue chili pepper, and was hot as hot sauce at a strip club full of bearded men wearing kilts.
______Whew. Anyway, Ionicus could handle that heat. Ionicus had it going on.
______One day, the Overseer decreed that all the creatures within the land must meet yearly to discuss the annual budget, tax laws, and most importantly, the quality of styrofoam cups. Deperately wanting to discuss the matter of styrofoam cups (since they melted oh so quickly in the lava springs, and something more durable like stone or a metal encased in rubber would be more conducive to meal-time), all but two of the Ioinici left the mighty volcano to attend this meeting. Those two Ionici were fast asleep and dreaming heavily, and one knew better than to disturb a sleeping Ionicus.
______The Overseer seemed to be a pretty chill guy, becususe he wore slick leather pants and guy liner, and so the brave leader of the Ionici approached him with no fear that his cup-related request would be rejected.
______"My dear Overseer," King Ionicus declared after clearing his throat, "It would greatly assist our future endeavors if thine outstanding creator could provide us with different cups, opposed to the styrofoam ones we currently utilize." The Overseer rotated his head, which was fairly difficult since the Overseer was actually a banana tree, and ruffled his banana leaves in response. King Ionius immediately bowed his allegiance.
______"Are your styrofoam cups not appreciated by the Ionicus Clan?" The Overseer questioned in a voice that could frighten small children, or cause plants to stop growing and shrivel into the ground.
______"O great and mighty Overseer, I am merely suggesting a change. It is not that--"
______"Silence," the guy liner-wearing banana tree bellowed. "I see what we have here. We have a little bitch here. Is that what we have here? A little bitch?"
______The Overseer waited impatiently. A banana fell from his tree. King Ionicus regarded the curved yellow object nervously, knowing that the only weakness to the Ionici was indeed such a fruit. It was a silly looking fruit, though, and perhaps he should not fear it, King Ionicus thought. Tempted as he was to make a dick joke, he kept his professional demeanor.
______"I would like to propse-" the King began, but he was quickly cut off.
______"Silence, little B." The Overseer's voice was more shrill than Prince's when he made that sound when doves cry. "I have heard enough of this. What do you think this is? A democracy? Wrong. I am a banana tree, and the only one left in this land, which makes me like five hundred times cooler than you. That's like, ice cold, and means I rule you and stuff. Goodbye, Ionicus clan."
______The Overseer began to sing "Hips Don't Lie" as he shook his leafy body. With his booty poppin' game strong and his vocal game even stronger, all the bananas from his branches loosened and fell atop the Ionicus clan just the way a dump truck would dump rubbish. The Ionici screeched as the bananas made contact with their rocky bodies and disintegrated before the demented Overseer like those crumbly Nature Valley bars. The area suddenly went quieter than a Calculus II classroom during a final exam, and the other creatures of the land quavered and immediately bowed to the Overseer, unquestionably submitting to his most mighty banana fruit power.
______Meanwhile, back at the volcano, the two remaining Ionicus finally woke from their deep slumber. Many days passed, and they soon realized they were the only two left of their kind. Their culture lacked proper sex education, and too young to understand the art of reproduction on their own, the two stayed wonderful friends until their bearded, wisdom-filled rocking chair days. Eventually, the two Ioinici passed away, perfectly preserved as delicate little fossils in the volcano in which their clan once thrived.
______And thus is the tragic tale of the Ionicus Clan.
