Monday, February 8, 2016

It's All Right, It's Bou-quet


______I took a quick but highly educational weaving class in North Carolina this weekend--the entire weekend was pretty dang relaxing and I spent it with some incredibly kind and artistic people (as well as learning a ton that I'll be able to apply toward my future work!). I was alone in my own little cabin deep in the woods during the evenings, and slept so hard I might as well have left an imprint in the mattress as if it was playdough. Even after the sun had set and the temps cooled, the cabin was toasty and cozy as a very cuddly golden retriever.

______After class on the final day, I met some wonderful folks my age and we moseyed down to a local flea market that was brimming with shops set up with literal walls full of pin buttons, tea cups, vintage postcards, rows and rows of tiny, dusty bottles, and more things you think are useless until you see them in person and see the potential they have to clutter your bookshelves.

______And there is something enticing, almost magical, about a cluttered bookshelf. You might not think you need a set of salt and pepper shakers that are shaped like an egg and a chicken, but the moment you think about it on your bookshelf, boom. You're sold. Buy those shakers.


______Afterwards, the group narrowed in on the food stands. For the first time in my life, I tried a deep-fried oreo, a few bites of a funnel cake, and a handful of boiled peanuts. All strange foods I had never had before, even being from the south as I am. That funnel cake thing topped with an obnoxious amount of powdered sugar... I could get on that train again. I probably don't need to get on that train again, but I could get on that train again.

______Choo choo, motherfuckers.

______Needless to say, I was a little sick that night since I'm not used to eating things that don't grow from the ground. But it's all about the experience. I hope you all had a fantastic weekend! Keep your eyes out for snazzy, tacky salt and pepper shakers.


Kimono: Alter'd State (similar)
Necklace: Charming Charlie (similar)
Skirt: Nordstrom
Heels: GoJane
Ampersand ring: c/o BornPretty

Monday, February 1, 2016

Gold Bars


______Sometimes, we ladies (and men as well) find ourselves in the sticky situation of being asked out by a person we would much rather not be asked out by. So here are ten tips to make light of the situation and say "no" without causing any hard feelings.

______1. Tell him you're moving to a very far-away country. If he asks why, narrow your eyes and coyly respond with, "They told me you'd ask that." Light a smoke bomb. Place it slowly on the ground between you and the askeree. Dash away freakishly as a plume of vibrant smoke saturates the air. The pretty colors will distract from the pain of rejection.

______2. Say that it would never be able to work between you two because he looks too much like your brother/cousin/dog/favorite television character who was killed off in season four.

______3. Begin burping the alphabet. If he hasn't left by the time you reach the letter "Z," reconsider your choice. He may be the one.

______4. Just start crying.

______5. Decline politely. Curtesy, pivot on one heel, and skip away whilst humming the Star Wars Imperial March theme.

______6. Look up and stare at the sky until he finally does the same. Tell him, "I fear the stars say no."

______7. Point out to him how you want to start having babies within the next six months. And lots of them. A wildly ridiculous amount. To the point where you have your own TV show about it. Show as much enthusiasm as you can about an such inane amount of babies as possible.

______8. Tell him you have a freakish appetite for garlic and a kink for breathing on people after consuming large portions of it.

______9. Enthusiastically let him know that your seven poisonous snakes would absolutely love to meet him. Tell him one got loose in the apartment this morning, but it always did that. It only bites people with hair that is (insert his hair color here).

______10. Keep smiling and blinking and shaking your head "no."

______11. If he asks you to dinner, tell him you've already eaten. If he asks you another night, tell him you've already planned to eat that night, too. And the next. And so on and so forth. You have a very strict diet. You only eat salted fish eggs, string potatoes, and kelp. In that order.

______But honestly, the best way to say no is to straight up say no. Giggles and shits aside, it's definitely the hardest to spit out, but it is the most effective. Most importantly, don't ever ask me for dating or relationship advice. I know nothing and strongly advise against performing any or all of these responses.


______Oh okay, lighting a colorful smoke bomb and trying to escape would be pretty comical. That's one of which I do approve.


Blazer: Forever21
Skirt: Moon Collection, via Modcloth
Oxford heels: Jeffrey Campbell
Bow ring: Charming Charlie
Star ring: c/o BornPretty (ALT10 for 10% off)
Adjustable rock bracelet: c/o BornPretty

Monday, January 25, 2016

The Girl Who Fell To Earth + BornPretty

The Girl Who Fell to Earth

______BornPretty sent me some stellar jewelry recently: this cutout star ring, an adjustable double terminated bracelet, and a crescent moon necklace. All out of this world.

______I have worked with BornPretty before and have always been satisfied with their products; though cheap in cost, the production of these items is comparable to what you'd find in stores here for $10-$15 more. The metal is actually metal, opposed to that peculiar lightweight plastic that some overseas companies use, and this metal doesn't leave green marks on your skin or become tainted over time. I still have the rings and earrings from them that are just the same as the day I received them years ago.

______So if you want 10% off your next order at BornPretty, just use the code ALT10 during checkout.

The Girl Who Fell to Earth

______David Bowie's passing made me one sad little nugget. Though I didn't become a huge fan of his music until college, he's been my favorite musical artist since as I listen to him daily. I'm one who is always plugged in to tunes, digging and unearthing new, off-beat artists, as well as relying on the well-known classics. Bowie has managed his way into every single one of my playlists, and I've always admired his creation of so many eclectic personalities, creative songs, and unyielding ability to be himself no matter what.

______He's adaptable as those wiggly pancake fish that blend into their backgrounds. You know the ones. Always the same, but always changing from one persona to the next with a natural ease.

______Alas. His passing was one that hit the world hard, but I know he's out there somewhere being spaceman and watching over us. He has done his duty here on planet earth. Besides, a new planet was discovered a week after his so-called passing, which many Bowie fanatics (along with myself) have reasoned that he's inhabiting.

______Coincidence? I think not.

Star ring: c/o BornPretty
Adjustable rock bracelet: c/o BornPretty
Crescent moon necklace: c/o BornPretty

Blazer: Charlotte Russe
Dress: LoveCulture
Monkstrap heels: Jeffrey Campbell
Rocketship necklace: ??

Monday, January 18, 2016

Velvet Spells


______Um, so my super dearest darling friend Alissa over at The Adored Life sent me these seriously adorable feather-topped stockings. She is a dream, and if you don't know about her blog yet, then what are you even doing? Everything she writes makes me laugh like a scheming fly that rubs its hands together after pooping on your dinner. If you think I'm funny (which you shouldn't), then you will be peeing your underwear reading her content.

______And, well, if you don't wear underwear, then... #respect.

______I digress. I am in stocking heaven. They actually stay up and I'm excited to think of more ways to subtly up the charm of an outfit with them.


______I always tell myself it's smart when I'm shopping to buy practical things that remix nicely. Simultaneously, I always manage to convince myself that certain impractical items, which are extremely cute and/or spunky as heck, I'll never come across again, and honestly could be easily remixed if I raised the bar on outfit creativity.

______I am, essentially, a hot boiling mess. I am Funkytown to the nth degree. I am a pizza with too many toppings that don't taste yummy together, like sprouts and pineapple and garlic, with not nearly enough crust to hold it steady.

______I don't even own a plain black T-shirt. Bruh. Ali. Bruh! Honestly. I suck. It was only about a month ago that I bought a plain white boatneck shirt. And it hurt me a little bit inside; I was deliberating over it for far too long and kept moving back and forth toward the checkout line when I had it.


______On the bright side, it makes me have to think hard about an outfit and really funk them up into something unique. Is funk a verb? It might as well be. We can funk with the English language all we funkin' want. It's called developing a writing style (or just being terrible at writing).

______Have a wonderful start to your week, and remember to never be like me.


Dress: LoveCulture (similar)
Fringe kimono: Forever 21
Stockings: c/o Alissa, via NastyGal
Heels: Jeffrey Campbell
Necklace: Charming Charlie

Monday, January 11, 2016

The Secret Life Of

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_____We all have that one secret dream we think about on occasion, that one dream that's sprouted inside of ours heads but will never reach reality, simply because it is incredibly inane.

_____Before I fall asleep and dream of wild things, I think about skipping through a green field that's sprinkled with the plumpest of chickens. I shit you not when I say my secret dream life would be that of a chicken tamer. Uh, maybe that's not the correct terminology. A purveryor of chickens? A chicken collector? Hmmm... how about...

_____A chicken handler.

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_____I would not slaughter my chickens for the tasty nuggets which derive from their chunky bodies, oh no no. Mostly I would just observe them and how they navigate through their practical chicken lifestyle, occasionally intercepting to hug their soft bodies whenever my heart so desired. Have you ever seen very healthy fat chickens in person? Their feathers puff from their body, they can be beautiful shades of gold, of heathered grey and white, of inky black...

_____They are magical. I swear it.

_____And the way they walk! The way they walk is so pure and modest: their feathers ruffle with every step, their bodies wobble like a bobber in the water,  and their eyes are large and beady as black pearls.

_____Don't even get me started on their fluffy chicken butts. Ugh. So much love and adoration for Gallus galls domesticus. That's right. You now know the scientific name for a chicken.

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The Secret Life Of

_____I imagine scenarios of how I would take care of these chickens. What if there was a severe storm? We (implying that I am married at this time, because someone would be psychotic enough to marry a chicken fanatic) would bring them indoors, and they would survey the human house. Imagine a bunch of fluffy chickens clucking around a typical household or cuddled up with you as you watch the TV.

_____They would wonder why a man on a flat screen expanded so insistently upon the weather radar behind him. They would peck at the glass cookie jar, wondering why they couldn't get through the transparent surface holding the goodies in. They would cluck and caw and do all sorts of chicken things.

_____Like pooping on stuff.

_____But we will not focus on chicken poop. We will focus on the positive, and the positive... well, it would be the dream.

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Jacket: Barbour (gift from daddy Hval!)
Top: Charlotte Russe (similar)
Skirt: Charlotte Russe (exact)
Boots: Jeffrey Campbell
Tights: exact
Hair: styled by my talented momma
(ask in comments for additional details)