Saturday, March 23, 2013

There's Always Something, Isn't There?


______Alrightly, so I don't think I can really keep this in my head any longer, you guys.  For the past few weeks, I just haven't been in the outfit zone.  You know that zone?  Yeah, you know that zone.  I've been having confidence issues about the way I look (ha, but who doesn't?), which has subsequently made me want to blog these darn pictures of myself less and less (she writes as she posts pictures).


______So I got pretty awesome healthy about two or so years ago, and since then, I've been doing well to maintain that healthiness, but sometimes I can sort of take it to the extreme and exercise too much or not listen to my body when it's hungry or even deprive myself a little.  I'm not going to lie--I'm afraid that I'll gain weight.  I'm afraid of not being skinny.  I'm afraid of going back to where I started.

______I am a little underweight, yeah, and I've been aware of that for quite some time now, but I've recently been trying to do something about it; I know it's the right thing to do, the healthy thing to do.  I have been (reluctantly) attempting to gain an extra bit of weight, just a few pounds so I'm not feeling so weak and sparkly-headed all the time.  For the past month or so, I've been eating enough, which correlates to me feeling pretty awful since eating more than what I'm used to brings on the guilt.  I want to be healthy, but I want to be skinny, too.  It's silly, really.

______And I've gained about four pounds, and yeah, I do feel physically better--I don't get dizzy when I stand up quickly, I don't get lightheaded from standing in hot showers any longer, I feel like I have more energy, my bike rides are much smoother and easier, I am generally much more smilier... But then because numbers and precision and perfection all play such a big role in my life, not always fitting into a certain size or seeing a number that's greater than what I'm accustom to relentlessly attacks my sanity.  Even though I know that it's better to weigh a little more and be healthy, opposed to being a super tiny beanpole of dizziness and hungriness, the numbers and such still get me.  Even if I don't look that different, I feel so very different.


______"Oh, but you look the same. You look great!"

______You look great... Ah, yep.  That's nice, and I know that people don't mean it in a condescending manner, but unfortunately I read that as, "You look great now, so if you gain even a pound, you might not look as great. So be wary--don't mess up!"

______So there's a mental war going on my head between too many differing factors: what I see when I look at myself vs. what people say about themselves or me vs. what I think of myself vs. how I interpret things vs. bunches of other perplexing things that probably don't even logically work their way into this war.  It's been a war ever since I can remember remembering things, and I often find myself wondering if other people think about their weight and such as much as I do--are we all just so excellent at keeping it one big secret?  Is that the case?  I'm unsure.


______The other day, a girl told me, "You're so skinny. I hate you. How are you so skinny?" and I tried to brush it off and say, "Well, I just eat really healthy and ride my bike a lot," and she snapped, "What? Is that a fat joke?" and it wasn't at all, and I was only answering her question.  Then she said, "You just have a fast metabolism. That's all it is. You're just one of those skinny girls who eats and eats and never has to worry about gaining weight."  But that's not the case, and it never has been.

______It isn't as if arguing would have accomplished much, so I just didn't reply.  I couldn't say anything.  I wasn't sure if I walked away in defeat for not standing up for myself, or victory for being the bigger person.

______I don't understand why people find it necessary to discuss their weight or appearance in such derogatory ways.  It just makes everyone else reevaluate themselves and the way they look.  It instigates feelings of guilt, of doubt, of self-hatred, or just makes someone feel a tad worse about themselves than before.  Nine times out of ten, it will encourage some kind of negative behavior or thought.  I keep things to myself for that very reason--because I know how hard it is for me, so I can only imagine that it's the same or worse for others.  I'm not saying that makes me a better person.  I'm not trying to say anything like that at all.


______But 'ey, I won't ramble on this for too long.  I just wanted to let you all know what was going on in my head, because I do like to be honest and use this blog like a giant, public diary, one that people in real life will hopefully never see.

______I really am trying to be more confident about the way I look, but it's difficult.  It's difficult having your weight dictate your happiness, and I know it's ridiculous to even have your weight dictate your happiness in the first place, but it's easier said than done.  And I say this because I know it and I've been fighting such a feeling my whole life.  It hasn't gotten easier, but I hope it will with time and effort.


Top: Forever 21
Skirt: Know-Style
Necklace: Rire Boutique
Earrings, ankle booties: Charming Charlie


Katie Aman said...

Oh my dear, I wish I could just give you a big hug! So much of what you said resonated with me and I'm sure it will with many others. I'm sorry that people like that girl have to make comments of that nature. It seems to me that she's extremely self-conscious herself and just doesn't know how to process that in her head. The blogging world is one of hidden secrets for sure. We're always just a smiling picture and pretty words so it's easy to assume someone's life is going perfectly. Just know that in the short time I've gotten to know you-I've found that you're one of the sweetest, kindest (and funniest!) people. You're always so sincere and genuinely beautiful inside and out. Prayers and love to you, gorgeous girl!

Heather Belle said...

In all honesty, this post had me teary-eyed. As a girl who has always been skinny, and who has had people make snide comments because I'm skinny, I totally here you. I constantly cry to my boyfriend that I feel fat or that I feel ugly, and I know I'm not! It's so hard to get away from those feelings sometimes, though, especially when it seems like so many people put the focus on the way our bodies should look. You are a gorgeous girl, inside and out, and I know sometimes its tough to believe it, but you have to try!
The one thing I've found most helpful in getting away from hating myself for gaining weight is I never ever check myself on a scale. Even if I go to the doctors, I don't like to know what the scale says, just because I have this idea in my head what is too high, and if I hear that I'm past that certain number, I wind up not eating enough or exercising too much.

Hopefully this doesn't sound too much like babbling and is somewhat encouraging?
xo Heather

Jacqueline said...

i think your outfit looks amazing. I'm not going to say much about the other issues cos i don't know you and don't wanna be all *waggling finger whilst giving advice* mode. but, i reckon everyone feels crud about their weight some of the time. just like ppl feel guilty about their job, or exercizing or...something else. i hope you feel more confident soon, and you know, blogging outfits and looking at myself in photos usually does help me feel beter. xoxoxox hugs

Heather said...

Awww, lack of self-confidence is the last thing you should be feeling. You are beautiful! *hugs*

Linda Greaves said...

Oh Ali, Ali, Ali...I think you are so brave to address this whole weight debate on your blog so frankly. Also, more than anything I wish I could run to your side (probably with a box of cookies we could share) and just give you a hug. We could have a girl's night spent talking about these things.
I can't imagine how hard it must be for you, to start overanalyzing the numbers on the scale or size labels, but I'm proud that you've been taking care of yourself. And honestly, I'm sure all of girls struggle with coming to terms with those numbers. Keep it up Ali, I'm rooting for you!
I used to hate myself so much when I was younger - I had the opposite problem of you though. My baby fat was never fully shed, and I still struggle trying to accept my body build. I remember crying over it at night and wishing and praying I wasn't so ugly and fat. Harsh words, but that's the way I viewed myself. But no matter our build, whether we're chubby or skinny, there's no excuse to accuse someone in a spiteful way like that girl did to you. Don't pay her any mind! I agree with Katie, it sounds like she's just insecure.
So instead of telling you the normal "but you look great!" comment, I want to let you know that I consider you an incredibly artistic, talented, kind, witty, funny, fashionable, thoughtful, and awesome girl that I'm so happy to have gotten to know through blogging :)

Trendy Teal

Keit said...

Blah! I know exactly how you feel. I even made a post about it two years ago- about the problems of skinny people. We have problems too!
How much do you weight? I'm underweight too- 43kg. Whenever I say to people I weigh 43kg they look at me as if I'm about to die any second. I feel quite healthy and happy with my body, I drink a lot of vitamins and eat as much as possible. The only problem is that when I get hungry I get dizzy and angry :D
I freakin hate it when people throw the "you're so skinny card". People have commented on my weight with awe and with disgust, and it doesn't matter, both comments hurt. I know I'm skinny asshole, don't need to shove it in my face.
Another thing I hate is when they stat theorizing why I'm so skinny "perhaps your gene is that way, or fast metabolism, or you don't eat jack shit"...To be honest, I truly believe that when we reach 30 years, we are going to slowly gain more and more weight. I believe that as long as we're young we will stay skinny always. Thank you for this post, it really helps to see there are other skinny girlies out there with the same problems!
Loooove the skirt ^_^

LyddieGal said...

I'm so sorry to hear what you've been going through Ali, and it's true, we all struggle with body image - but it doesn't make it any easier to discuss, so I think you are amazing for doing so.

I'm glad to hear you are trying to be healthier, because that is the most important thing. The second most important is not let the negative opinions of strangers dictate your life.

I realize how hard this can be. No matter how much positive stuff we hear, all it takes is one single negative thing to completely derail us.

But you are beautiful now and you will still be beautiful even if you gained 10 more pounds.

I'm not sure if this will help; but eat more, listen to your body, feel better, and get rid of your scale. If you feel good, that is all you need to know. Why do you have to quantify that with a number??

Lily said...

I'm sorry to hear that you've been struggling with this mental war. I know exactly what you mean--I feel like we're all so self-critical of our bodies and that girls in general are so catty about weight. Don't let what she said get to you. You're beautiful no matter what.
I am one of those girls that eats everything in sight but manages to stay healthy only because I run. Still, one of my greatest fears is becoming like one of those intense biker ladies haha. I am always worried that my legs look too stubby or my thighs too large. It's something we all endure.
You're so courageous to talk about how you feel. I know what you mean when you hope that people in real life won't read your blog. I seldom talk about my blog with my friends just because it's kind of like my Hannah Montana life--something I keep for myself and share with people around the world.
Remember that you're a beautiful, witty, genunine person. I love reading your writing and seeing your art. I'll keep you in my prayers this week (:

Lily said...

Oh goodness! I just realized that I said nothing about your outfit. I do love your edgy skirt and cool necklace--the chic details on this look are so well coordinated. And those detail shots? Just stunning.

Francesca said...

First of all- I love your outfit, the colors are so pretty and I love the jewelry and you look gorgeous!

And second of all, I completely understand. I feel like every girl will always have a problem with their bodies, since every body is so different. That person was definitely just jealous that they weren't as slim, beautiful or talented as you! You are beautiful and you will still be even if you gain some weight! :)

Gordo said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Gordo said...


As a guy I know that many ladies may not think that there are fellows out there that understand the feelings that come with weight. However, I completely understand what those weird fluctuations can do to the way that you percieve yourself.

I'm about 5'6". For most of my life I was somewhere around 140-145lbs. People kept saying that I was too skinny, or that I was unhealthy, or that I wasn't eating the right things and I needed to gain weight. I was even dumped by a girl who "Couldn't be with someone so skinny". And if you can imagine this, there were many ladies that wouldn't date me because I didn't make them feel safe because I couldn't "protect them" (Apparently being in shape and muscular isn't as effective as being flabby and easily winded...) . Baffling!

Now, years have passed and because of a job where I sit on my tush all day. I've gained about 55 lbs. Now I'm too chubby, or unhealthy, or (insert unfathomable reason). The reality is that because people all have differing views of what is "right". You'll never get everyone agreeing on what is the right size/weight and what isn't.

I can say this: You need to be exactly the weight you need to be to feel good about yourself (and be healthy, duh!). Everyone else can stuff it!

The one thing that I've learned is that in the long run the "pounds" don't matter. (Its the tens of pounds that matter!! ;-) ) Remember, the human body will flucuate a couple pounds up and down because of various "factors". (You know, water retention, turkey dinner, exercise, sunspots...)

From a fellow that doesn't know you personally, I'd like to say that you look fabulous. Period. No comparisons, no reference to anything other time frame, just fabulous.

You have a great sense of style and I think you are doing a wonderful job with your blog and your photos. I'm glad to see you posting again!

(PS: I discovered a myriad of grammatical mistakes, so I deleted and reposted this comment)

Sam said...

Hi Ali, I like the chic rock appeal of your skirt, really cute. You are blessed with an amazing figure and height and whether you gain or lose a few pounds, that doesn't change a thing, you will still be beautiful inside and out. You should do whatever is best for you and your health and don't give a second thought to what anyone says about your weight. Thanks for your kind words over at mine.

Street Lily said...

super cute girl! love this look

Katherine / Of Corgis and Cocktails said...

So I don't own a scale because I'm the same way with my weight - if I see a number that is different than what I believe, I pretty much freak out. Instead, I've gone off feeling and measurements for years now and I've been doing so much better. And of course, my first reaction is of utter shock because you are seriously one of the most beautiful girls out there. It always amazes me that literally everyone has these weight issues, and it gets to me. I wish it wasn't this way. And that girl - that's pure jealousy and low self confidence. It's hard - I see people being awful on both sides. And it DOES get hard sometimes seeing other blogs where the girls look so impeccable in each pose (which lets be clear, your outfit photos are on my 'admire list' each and every time, just FYI) and then to go out and take them on your own gets hard. I get so upset when I think a post was like the shit and then it wasn't. You're such a charmer though - both in looks and in personality - and I see a lot of comments to my left here saying so too, which makes me happy :D Annyyyhowwww, your outfit is stunning here - I LOVE the little stars on the skirt. That's just the cutest thing ever. And I want to rock boots like that.

Also, your detail shots are always so inspiring,. Always.

lucia m said...

loving the skirt!


Joyce said...

First of all, I just want to say that I think you are so brave for writing this post. Even though for me, it was always eating too much and not too little, weight also kinda messes up my mind and thinking sometimes too. Just recently, I went to a doctor's appointment and had to be weighed for the first time in a looong time and even though I tell myself that it's just a number and being healthy is the most important thing, I still have insecurities too. I have that mental war going on in my mind too and then it gets so complicated because as you said, there are so many factors that play into it.

And man, that girl. Seriously, I can't believe she would say such a thing. I think she is probably really insecure and doesn't know it yet. I think it's definitely a victory that you walked away because I think with her stubborn and fallacious mindset, it would have been useless for anyone to try to fix it.

I really liked how you wrote that weight shouldn't dictate happiness because it really shouldn't. I'm so glad that you said that eating more had enabled you to feel better and be less dizzy and that's the most important thing! You are still the same talented, funny, and amazing person but now with more energy. I'll try to focus on the positives and not just the weight number more too.


wow these photos are stunning!
i was just looking at the photos and then actually read your post... wow real instense, good on you for having the guts to share it with everyone! xxxx


♥ Ellen
Facebook + Instagram

mochaccinoland said...

you look beautiful dear. so don't be too harsh on yourself. i'm glad to hear that u are eating healthily & exercise to keep your slim figure. being healthy is more important than having an overly skinny body as the latter is not pretty at all. every girls wants to be slim, i'm no exception. however, i don't believe in starving our bodies to stay slim. i try to eat healthily on most days and occasionally i indulge myself with some sinful treats. i used to be obsessed with my weights too. but these days, i don't even weigh myself anymore. it definitely ease the tension of trying to maintain a certain weight. instead, i try my best to eat healthily, eat everything in moderation and exercise whenever i can.

p/s: love that skirt! those stars!! <3 <3 <3

hugs & kisses,

The Braided Bandit said...

This post was so honest and heartfelt I just read through it a second time before commenting! I am sure this resonates deeply with the blogging community, or really most people! I really do think people are just good at hiding it and think about it a lot inside. I go through swings of being really careful, counting calories and working out and driving myself a bit nuts. And then (often during winter time) I try to completely ignore it and then let everything slide, don't go to the gym at all, and eat pizza and burritos all the time! It's so hard to walk the fine line between happy and healthy, yet not letting food rule your life!
Anyway, thanks so much for sharing with us, I love reading the comments in these posts too because the blogging community can seriously be so supportive! It sounds like you are on a good path now and I am sending good thoughts your way!
Also, loving the star skirt :)
xo Hannah

Jessi said...

Oh, girl. You and me are pretty much on the same page! Everything you just said relates to me SO much (although I don't think I'd worry so much if I looked like you ;) ) I tend to get obsessive and super depressed about my body insecurities and I just don't weigh myself anymore because I know it won't turn out good. It's such a hard battle to constantly be fighting and I wish you (and I) could see how beautiful we are from other's perspectives. Cuz really darling, you're perfect.

Ashley said...

Ali. This post brought tears to my eyes. Know that I am giving you a big giant hug through the internet right this second, but only wish I could see you in person to give you a real hug and indulge in a big box of chocolates and girl talk. You are brave. Just coming out and saying this to the world wide web takes a gigantic amount of bravery and I so wish I could be more like you in that aspect. Weight issues used to be a struggle for me as well. It sounds so ridiculously cliche to say, but when things weren't going right in my life, eating and weight felt like the only thing I could control. My first year out of high school was the hardest. I dealt with boyfriend issues and friends moving away, and just skipping a meal here or there made me feel stronger and more in control of a life I felt was spinning away from me. I've always been pretty small, and my friends ALWAYS felt the need to point this out and comment about how tiny I was. This bothered me the most as I felt those same nagging feelings as you, "Oh so I can't possibly gain one pound or all will be lost" . I'm not sure when I stopped obsessing. I still think about it from time to time, but with age I have gained a confidence that can be attributed to many things. It wasn't easy though and definitely took effort, and as mentioned, when things go wrong, it still crosses my mind. Ali, you are gorgeous, smart, funny and just plain wonderful and ARE NOT ALONE in your thoughts. Honestly, I wish we lived closer because I truly feel that we could make great friends (outside the WWW!). I know every comment is going to tell you how gorgeous and skinny you are and I know that it is going to take much more for you then just reading it to believe it. You are so many ways. I think it shows such confidence and bravery to come out about an issue that so many people struggle with, so thank you for addressing it.

If you need anything EMAIL ME! Seriously lady.

xoxo Ashley

PS I hope this doesn't sound like rambling....but I think so highly of you, Ali!!

María Rubio said...

Beautiful look <3


Alyssa Molin-Graves said...

Ali, you are so incredibly beautiful inside and out. How brave and amazing you are to be so honest and authentic about this issue going on in your life. We can be so hard on ourselves, can't we? I lost 35 lbs. over the past few years and weight maintenance and the feelings that go with that can be so so tough sometimes. I feel like every week I am re-evaluating to see if I have gained any weight back. My husband always reassures me that I look beautiful- but I always have that fear that the weight will come back on. The best thing I have found for myself is to not look at the scale, to keep eating healthy and exercising healthy - and to not let it occupy my thoughts too much. The biggest thing is self love, and it is so hard! If we love ourselves unconditionally than weight won't matter so much, (so much easier said than done) but I want you to know that you are incredible!!!! You look great, no matter what size you are. Your heart and spirit are beautiful, and I am sure your body is thanking you for keeping it nourished :) You are seriously stunning and I want you to know that (from an outsider's perspective) you have absolutely nothing to worry about, you are just as gorgeous as anything! *hugs* and much love your way!


Imogen said...

I found this really interesting to read because the way I think is so similar. I think about weight and the way I look basically all the time. I feel so tired all the time but I feel that mental war too between two different things, like between numbers on the scales and doing what is healthy for me. I think you are so beautiful and I just wanted to let you know that I understand.

Closet Fashionista said...

You are so brave to come out with your feelings and be real and honest. It's something a lot of people deal with. I have issues with my body too (stomach flab, etc. ha ha), but I eat junk food all day, so that's the cause, ha ha.
But you look amazing and as long as you're being healthy now that's what matters!

Isquisofrenia said...

ok so i was reading this and I know exaclty what your going through,
after i delivered my baby i wasnt fat but to me i was because it wasnt my normal weight and then i started loosing a lot of weight just by walking and eating right and then people were telling me oh wow you look so good you lost the babby weight(took me 1 year) so i thought man, a year is alot of time and all those comments made me feel i wanted to look skinnier so i got crazy. hahha
but then i got really skinny and my brother told me man, you look really skinny but not in a good way.
your eyes are sinking and your bones are showing,its not looking good, and yes it was true,and i was not eating enough but nobody knew. like i would sometimes eat just little things,here and there,
but everybody thought i was normal.
anyways , i thought to myself i can still be healthy and eat my foods and its ok to not too look like those girls you see all over tumblr(because its crazy to say but sometimes it gets to you just by looking at skinny girls there)
now i still watch my weight but im not obssessing over it like i was before.
(im not saying you do this things) just telling my story.
hope you feel better !!!

Love you gurl!!!

monica said...

awww sweetie, good thing for you to get this off your chest!

Halima - Fashionicide said...

I've just come across your blog...

I'm sorry to hear about how you've been feeling.

One of my friends is underweight too, and at times I have said to her "You cow, you're well skinny, so not fair!". This is mainly down to the fact that she's naturally skinny and sometimes she does get down about it but it does make her feel better about her weight.

I sometimes can be a bit touchy about my weight. It has fluctuated throught the year down to stress and sometimes I loose my appetite. I hate losing weight unnaturally.

Hope you feel better soon sweetie.


Maddie said...

Such an honest post! This is my first time reading your blog, so I might know the back story, but I totally can relate with what you have written.
I am underweight as well, not a lot, but I should definitely weigh more to be considered healthy. I get tired very easily, I wish my hair was healthier and my nails wouldn't break so easily. All of that because I am underweight. But I don't let that define me, there are a lot of people who are jealous of me (they say they wish they were as skinny), there are a lot of people who are judging me, that I am this way on purpose (like not eating enough) and etc.
And people don't understand that gaining weight is so much harder than loosing it!
But even though I might not be completely satisfied with my body, I have the confidence to say that I am beautiful as I am.
Anyways, now I am going to the gym, not to loose wight but to gain some muscle weight (get fit) and to get stronger!

Have my best luck wishes to you, and as I can see you are beautiful inside and out! :)

Ivana Džidić said...

I have recently gone trough experience that is in some way similar to yours. I'll try to keep this short as possible because of us are time restricted.

My health has never been great. I was pretty much always happy with the way I looked. Last year I was diagnosed with Chron, ended up in hospital and lost in a short time about 20 pounds.

You know what happened after I lost 20 pounds(btw I wasn't fat or anything like that to start with)? People told me I look fantastic all the time. Not my family naturally but a lot of people. I was told I look like an antilope and all that kind of things.

My doctor told me that after weightloss I'm now underweight and need to take some kind of calory drinks to gain weight as well as change the terapy. Who did I listened to? the doctor.

I gained weight and now I'm feeling good. I know how precious health is and there is no way I would put myself in danger of losing it because skinny is fashionable.

But we all know that! and yet we all sometimes feel like that, feel that need...the pressure of society is so strong and the pressure we put on ourselves is even worse.

btw I don't understand it when random people comment my weight and they do it all the time...they say you gained weight or you lost weight and it's so weird...first because it is not even true and then because I don't even know you that well so why are you commenting on my body? matter is it a women or a man it is just weird...I would never discouss a thing like that in that way.

Milena R. Karolina K. Roksana R. said...

Great! You are amazing! ;)

Jen Hsieh said...

It's so incredibly hard to put yourself out there, especially on something so public like your blog, and I love that you chose to be vulnerable and bare your thoughts for everyone to see. It's a beautiful thing because so many of us can relate and this crazy blogosphere is the best support system you can find out there. Reading your post made me think of high school all over again. I was in the bathroom with one of my friends at the time and we were looking in the mirror. She sighed and goes, "You're so skinny. I can't look in the same mirror as you anymore. I hate it." and then she walked away. I remember feeling insanely awkward and I didn't even know what to say. But enough of my little story, you are beautiful no matter what number shows up on the scale. I totally get what you mean about feeling different even if the weight gain isn't physically obvious. It's mental as much as it is physical. But just remember that beauty comes from within and your own self-confidence can make you more beautiful in any situation. You're in incredible person regardless of your looks and I'm glad you're taking steps to be healthier. It's great being happy with your appearance, but it's even better knowing that you're taking good care of yourself, because to a certain extent our health is one of the most important things we can have.

Sending lots of love and hugs your way and keep being your amazing self. <3

Carla Florendo said...

I'm glad I read this post because I used to hate myself so much for being a little chubbier than everyone else, for having flabby arms, and little bulging belly. but now i realize that depriving myself of things such as eating just to get myself skinny wont solve my problem because even skinny people like you have weight problems. And i don't mean that to offend you because I think you look really really great. in fact, If i only had to look at your picture, i would have been so jealous of your body. But because i read about what you're going through, i feel so sorry.

I'm also really glad that you're trying to be healthier because most other girls with weight problems just don't do anything about it. It's a really good thing for you to do. good luck to you and i hope that you recover from this "zone". And even though you might have heard this a lot of times already, but i still wanna say that your outfit photos always look amazing! maybe try looking back at you previous posts to get you inspired and really think about why you started blogging in the first place, because from what i can see, you're a beautiful person, inside out, and you deserve to feel that way.

xo, Carla

Sandra said...

i love this outfit! you look amazing :-) don't forget that!

Anonymous said...

Girl, I totally get where you're comin' from. I have struggle with weight/body image issue for as long as I can remember. A few years ago I realized I wasn't eating healthy. I ate everything in sight, and I certainly wasn't pleased with the number on the scale. So I started running and eating healthy. I lost weight, but when I looked in the mirror I still saw the 'big' girl. So eventually I began skipping meals, and running excessively. I ended up losing waaaay too much weight which I'm paying for now in health issues.
Just know (I'm sure people have told you this) you are beautiful no matter what size you are. I understand how consuming the fear of gaining weight can be, but trust me, it's nothing compared to the issue that can come from being underweight.

I think you are just so lovely and brave and I admire you for being honest.