Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Sailor Dweeb


______Before I knew it, I was teetering over a rock-plated cliff that curved down into the murky lake below: a crescent moon half submerged. Wind rustled the crispy leaves surrounding the three of us. The water glinted a pearly white on its mossy green surface. A lazy Monarch butterfly dragged its wings through the soggy air as my friend's sister snapped pictures of the lake before us.

______Nuh-uh. Nope. Not gonna happen. There's no frick-frakkin' way. My friend moved to my side and gazed over the edge. It was about a 30-foot drop and the raw water lapped and rippled at the cliff's edge below: not dangerously, but not invitingly, either. I watched him watch the water. Take it all in. Become one with nature. Mentally prepare himself to leap off like a crazed yet majestic toad and smack the lake water below, probably only to be devoured by man-eating piranhas that had split heads and teeth like calcified thorns. Good luck getting out of that one. I'll stay up here where it's safe and piranha-less, thank you very much. 

______He gathered his courage quickly, and off he went.


______Or more accurately, off he sprinted. Whatever. He dun scrambled off that big rock like a starry-eyed, 19th century dreamer after gold. Gutsy bruh. Epic poems would probably be carved in tablets of ruby about him, which wouldn't be readable in the least, but hey, ruby tablets. Statues erected in his honor. Maybe also made of rubies, or something more ecologically friendly, like old Pepsi cans surrounding a form of bubble wrap. A comment to the whole retaining the natural lakes concept. His face would be painstakingly embroidered on the pocket of everyone's favorite T-shirt. You know, little enjoyable things. Maybe I'm being a little too dramatic here.


______The lake swallowed him whole and immediately barfed him back up, as if rejecting his presence below water: a fleshy human-shaped bobber. Lake didn't wanna eat him. Maybe the lake didn't wanna eat me, either. Maybe the lake didn't think hominids were tasty. A reasonable theory. An enlightening theory. Only one way to test it.

______He egged me on to go next. Naturally, I hesitated. But after pacing back and forth a few times, my thoughts rigged with self-motivational quotes, I was ready. Lady balls quickly flourished on my person and I primed my face with the most authentic Pokerface I had. Lady Gaga would be proud. Except she wouldn't, because she doesn't know who the heck I am. It's a shame, I know. Air balled up in my windpipe. I took one last glance over the rocky edge, and I went for it.

______I dashed, leaped, and all seemed perfectly decent, like I would fall a short distance until my feet softly touched the earth. Thus was obviously not the case here, for gravity mercilessly pulled me down with its invisible claws. I tried to shout, "Aaah!" but I don't remember if I did or if I could have even remembered to do so. The first few feet falling were slight and easy to stomach and felt like an everyday jump, like one off a squat brick wall with a trampled flower bed at the top, but the last few before you broke the water's surface made you realize your lungs were pushed against your throat, you were weightless and powerless, and that there was no safety net. You were falling. Gravity was your authority. You were in the able hands of Mother Nature. Do or die, motherfuckers. 



______I plopped into the water like a dense turd in a shallow toilet and probably with far less grace than one, assuming turds can be graceful. My waterlogged friend cheered me nonetheless, even though my form was haphazard as a soggy Cheerio ripping apart in a bowl of warm milk. I felt like one, too. Arms splayed. Shoulders not tucked into my body. Water definitely infiltrated my nose, much to my displeasure. But I succeeded, and maybe someone would sew an image of my face or at least my eyebrow on their shirt pocket, too. Definitely gnarlier and more extreme than Six Flags. I'm ready for my custom leather jacket, permanent cross-and-bones tattoo, and braided chest hair that'll stream fervently in the wind after my shimmery cobalt Harley gets fixed.

______We two water mongrels gazed up at the cliff, for now it was his sister's turn to join us in the murky depths to become the third mermaid of the lake. I poked my eardrums to draw out water. After some minutes she jumped, too--a quiet, pin-like sploosh into the water--and we soon found ourselves treading in place, hovering over cold spots in the quiet lake.

______It was an experience. One I will only do once, and from now on, I think I'll keep my limbs stuck to the ground or the water rather than hurdling through the air like I'm hurdling through dimensions. 


Top: Tatyana
Oxford heels: Jeffrey Campbell
Socks: Target
Necklace: JCPenny's (similar)
Both linked bracelets: Charming Charlie (similar)


NewlyLoved said...

very pretty!
xo Jessica

Marlen said...

hahaha "do or die motherfuckers". I wasnt expecting that and almost choked on my water from laughing. your posts should come with a warning.

and i had total anxiety reading this haha i HATE adrenaline rushes. i like where it's warm and safe, like my couch. forget jumping off of cliffs, no thank ya. brave girl.

and love you in sailor stuff. so kjut (that's cute spelled polish style- i'm spicing this comment up with some polish sass n' frass)

xo marlen
Messages on a Napkin

Vett Vandiver said...

this sailor look and shoes are perfect on you!

Frannie Pantz said...

You are SOOOO brave. There are "cliff jumps" in town that my sister and her friends used to go on when we were teens. Me? I stayed behind at home. No thanks! I'm way too wimpy for that! This is a cute sailor look!

Kristian said...

I'm impressed you did it though; not sure I could ever manage even that. Also, I like these slightly Sailor Moon inspired clothes of yours ;)

caffinatedlove said...

sooo 1) I love your outfit. Perfection. For really. Especially the shoes. I'm pretty sure I have a pair just like it.

2) HOW DO YOU DO THAT TO YOUR HAIR THAT IS AMAZING. The siwlrlings and the twilrings and the GAH. I'm so jealous.

3) You said motherfucker? You may be my new favorite person. I need to stop eating when I read your blog because I always end up chocking on something.

motherfucker. ;)


LyddieGal said...

You wont catch me jumping off any cliffs, though it does sound quite fun!
Chic on the Cheap

Olivia said...

Hahah I was so engrossed with your story that I honestly forgot to actually look at your pictures! You have quite the voice and I loved reading it. Very funny and light. I like trying to do that with my posts too but my life is entirely too boring sometimes. I hardly go jumping off cliffs or crazy things like that. But kudos to you, you brave one!
Anyway, love your outfit when I finally did look at them! It reminds me of Sailor Moon...that Anime show I watched back in the day.
xo Olivia

Sammi said...

Dude, you're amazing. <3 And this top is adorable but mostly you're amazing.

xox Sammi

Sam said...

Haha, I love your vivid tales Ali, as I always say, you were born to write! You are the prettiest sailor girl Ive ever seen, the outfit it adorably chic! Thanks for your insightful comment…Have a fabulous weekend!

Sam said...

Haha, I love your vivid tales Ali, as I always say, you were born to write! You are the prettiest sailor girl Ive ever seen, the outfit it adorably chic! Thanks for your insightful comment…Have a fabulous weekend!

Alexandra Marie said...

Lol, girl you always make me laugh! Sounds like the funnest adventure! Love the outfit- gorgeous color on you! Alex

Jacqueline Stewart said...

heheheh, i have similar memories of jumping off rocks and bridges into rivers. I think doing it once is enough. :D Love your outfit too, and I'm digging those red socks pairing with the sailor top. Did you know my clothing collection coming out in October is Marine theme? hehehe.

Linda B said...

Cliff jumping!?
Ahhh, the kids do it here at Dierkes Lake all the time, but I have yet to work the nerve up. Aha, I'm inspired though :D
Omgsh Ali, you had me in stitches describing yourself as a turd though. Bahaha, good one xD
Anyway, loving the adorable sailor vibe you're giving off with that top! Yer the cutest sailor everrrr <3

The Dragonfruit Diaries

Samantha said...

You never cease to make me laugh! You can take anything, even the mundane, and make it into something spectacular. You're going to go far my dear :) And might I add, you're mighty brave - I would have stayed put with my feet firmly planted on the ground thank you very much :)

Also, I want your shirt.

Joyce Chen said...

Ahhh cliff jumping?? I dont know if I'll ever have the guts to do that! I'm sooo afraid of heights hahahahah.But man that must have been an awesome experience to try at least once.

hehehe I like the water theme going on here too with the cool sailor outfit :)

Jamie Rose D. said...

Ahaha I'm not so sure I'd be doing any cliff jumping. You're brave! I lived vicariously through your description of it though.

In other news your sailor top is the cutest ever and I need one like it. Except I don't because I have a sailor top, but can you really have too many nautical clothing items? I think no.

Jamie |

Sandra Leiva said...

Nice shoes!


mochaccinoland said...

cute hair! cute outfit! overall... it's mega CUTE! :D u are so brave to leap & jump into the lake. i'm a coward, i always worried that i will hit a rock or something. hahaha.


Dus of Cuddly Cacti said...

you totally caught me of guard too w/ the "do or die" haha totally didn't expect it from you & it made me laugh out loud. i love your description of the cliff jump, funny and fun but you had me picturing it as well. I'm not much of a jumper either, I prefer to just swim around, or make very short jumps. anyway, you sure do look pretty in blue too!

Keit said...

Hahaha! When I was on a Vacation few years ago, we traveled with a ship near a desolated spot of the sea and they told us to jump... I was like "Hell no" after a few beers I decided, "Hell yeah", it was so cool :D Kudos for making that jump! :D
Adore this sailor ensemble, reminds of some anime character, not Sailor Moon!

Petite Yeoja said...

Oh, what an adrenalin rush! It always easier for me to say that "it would be so easy and so much fun to do it!" before I get to something that people (girl, especially) usually scared of. But when I'm going to do that I'll start to mumbling and trembling! LOL. But it's a great experience that you had! so, congratulation!
Anyway, I really love your top. I really wanna have one sailor dress, or top, whatever. Wish me luck to find one that fits well! haha.
Have a great day ahead!


Love Playing Dressup said...

Beautifully written - love it !!

Love Playing DressUp - Ongoing fab giveaway

Chezka Cenon said...

Wow that was quite an I know quite well having bungy jumped more times than I can remember, but I can never describe it that well - you write beautifully :)

Love your sweet outfit!

- Che

Rin Handika said...

You are stunning, i love those heels and your sailor top! Cute and chic!

Carla Florendo said...

hahaha what a story! so brave, Ali!

anyway totally love your top - it's so nautical and paired with those shoes. you know how to do it best!

xo, Carla

OrigamiGirl said...

I just love the way you write. Girl, it's just so witty and funny and dammit, I want you to write a book because I would totally buy the shit out of it. :P

I once jumped off a waterfall, holding tight hands with 2 boys. But the second time on my own? Nada. Looked over the edge and then backed away. Weirdly wasn't easier having already done it because it happened too fast to remember!

Thanks for your lovely comment on my blog! All the feels indeed.

Ivana Split said...

what an adorable outfit! that sailor blouse is so cute! You look great....and write usual.