Monday, December 15, 2014

Tacky 70s Sofa Kimono

Becoming Tacky SofaBecoming Tacky Sofa

Autobiography of a Tacky 70s Sofa

______I knew I was different from the other sofas at an early age.

______I knew by the way the other sofas glanced warily at me, the way they regarded me with a keen but distant interest, and just by the strange way we locked eyes (and were able to lock eyes, being couches and all). I remember those uncomfortable whispers about me I received on the way to the bus by the parents of the other sofas.

______"Her fringes are so unkempt and distracting. I wonder if her parents realize that," a stunningly ornate couch once whispered to its couch-spouse. Her fabric shimmered ivory, and her husbands a was deep, velvety chocolate.
______"Quite," the husband replied, shivering his seat cushions as if the air had chilled him. "And that gaudy, patterned fabric... Did her parents adopt her from a thrift store?" The two sofas laughed to themselves, but it was more of a heinous squeaking that came from their aged coils.

______It was all seemingly true, what these parental couches described. My side skirts were fringed and free-flowing; theirs were pleated, tightly sewn, and barely dusting the floor. I knew by their preposterously high thread counts, the lack of severity in their patternings, and the assured stance of their square couch backings that they were, in a sense, set apart from me. I was covered in a garish array of blue and red diamond shapes, and my arms were formed from twisting, chipped wood that was otherwise a lackluster orange. My cushions sank low in the center, as if someone had sat there far too long. I looked loved, I convinced myself.

Becoming Tacky Sofa
Becoming Tacky SofaBecoming Tacky SofaBecoming Tacky Sofa
Becoming Tacky Sofa

______As I grew, my features and social difficulties only continued to steepen. I was beginning to realize the hardships of being a tacky 70s sofa that my parents had exchanged quiet, concerned words about when I was younger. In middle school, I developed two pillows of velvet in the most jarring zebra pattern. A quilt with squares that seemed to be arranged by absolutely no mathematical formula (or sense, at that) was thrown over my shoulder upon graduating high school: a family tradition I could not avoid. I was quite the eclectic mixture of patterns. I was quite the hideous sofa.

______A day came in college when I was sipping tea (shush, don't ask how couches can do that) at my campus's local coffee shop. A stiff old couch pummeled in through the doors in a hurry, huffing and carrying a briefcase on his pale orange cushions. He stopped immediately at the sight of me and lowered his couch-glasses.

______This has happened before, I thought. Make it a little more obvious, why don't you, you old chesterfield. Outsiders often visited from out of town and guffawed at the sight of me and the extreme juxtaposition of me to my environment. I was especially disheveled today, for it was exam week: my fringes were tangled slightly and some coffee had stained my back padding a few days earlier.

______The pale orange couch grinned wildly, his cushions forming a deep "u." He scooted toward me. I remained calm as a couch, because you know, I was one.

Becoming Tacky SofaBecoming Tacky Sofa

______"You're it!" the man-couch exclaimed. His briefcase flapped slightly as he jumped in excitement. "You're exactly what we need!"

______The couch came closer, and I noticed that he, too, had fringes accenting him. I balanced my tea warily on one of my wooden arms, suddenly conscious of the scratches on them. He quieted down and calmly but expertly explained how he was curating actors for a low-cost horror movie, and how a scene required a specific couch to sit in the corner of a room and be lit from one side in with unsettling orange glow for an introductory shot. He told me my look was authentic, rumpled, and slightly funky, and fit that specificity like a key to a lock.

______I was wary of this pale orange couch, but exchanged numbers with him nonetheless. In just a few weeks, I was on set, filming, poised dramatically in a corner with a light burning so hot on my upholstery that cool shadows were cast beyond me, just as he had described to me before. The walls behind me were a muddy floral pattern, and I felt somewhat at home in that moment. After the first week of viewing of the show to the public, my phone erupted in call after call, and soon I moved from being a mere prop sofa to a stunt sofa to a main acting sofa in a full-blown Sofas of the Caribbean original film series. Little by little, I had climbed my ladder with my clunky wooden arms, and though it took a while, I soon felt I was the luckiest, happiest sofa in the world.

______And that is the story of how I became a famous tacky 70s sofa.

Becoming Tacky Sofa

______(for your information, yes, I am going crazy.)

Fringed kimono: Lotus Boutique (similar)
Polka dot dress: TJ Maxx (similar)
Socks: Target
Oxford heels: Jeffrey Campbell (similar)
Bow ring: Charming Charlie
Chain Bracelet: Charming Charlie
Necklace: Charming Charlie (similar)
Cuff + twisted bracelet: vintage


Frannie Pantz said...

You are one of the most creative writers I have ever read. LOL I love this kimono! It looks great!


Beautiful photos, and love the way your managed to draw us in with your imagery. Happy Holidays! So, glad to visit here, it's been a while. :)/Madison
Colour Me in: Designer Spotlight

Ivana Split said...

this is an ingenious short story, you know...and I loved it...this Autobiography of a tacky 70's sofa is much more that than a blog text(as entertaining as your blog texts always are) and you should try to get it published!

The outfit fits with the story...I adore that Tacky 70's kimono...and the photographs are your socks and shoes as always!

Midwest Muse said...

How do you always look so beautiful???

Jacqueline Stewart said...

Bahahaha, best story ever Ali! And what a gorgeous kimono/old couch. :) Have a merry Christmas too :)

Rachel said...

bwahahaha! My parents had 2 of these sofas when I was little, because their main source of furniture was handmedowns from their own parents. We eventually burned our 70s sofas in the backyard and they made quite a blaze.

Jamie Rose D. said...

Haha you always have the most interesting stories to accompany your fun outfit posts! I enjoyed the couch story very much! And I really love the fun mix of prints going on in this outfit too. You've styled this kimono in such a fun way!

Jamie |

Laura said...

haha:-) i love this outfit, the matching polka dots and that kimono are all amazing! xx

Samantha said...

You had me laughing the whole time with this. I just laughed right now again. You are so imaginative! I'm so glad there was a happy ending - far too often tacky '70 couches have sad lives. Love that kimono too, so eye-catching and vibrant!

Kristian said...

You are just so quirky in your writing! :D

I do love this look though. Doesn't seem couch like to me...

lisa said...

This is probably the coolest kimono I've seen! I love the pattern mixing and those shoes are incredible- I can't get enough oxfords lately. Love the autobiography :)

LyddieGal said...

I would happily take you as my sofa, and I am so in love with your itty-bitty bow ring! I want one!
Chic on the Cheap

Rin Handika said...

Omg I really love hthe whole outfit esp those kimono, its great and I love your look!

Linda B said...

How on earth did I get totally absorbed in a story about a tacky 70's couch?? I don't know, but you're magical Ali. We could just sprinkle your craziness everywhere and the world would be a happier place!

Haha well I'm glad the couch got such a successful ending xD

Looove this kimono with the fringe and how you combined it with a classy polka dot dress. So pretty! *_*

The Dragonfruit Diaries

jess said...

That is a great story. The pattern is really cool.

E said...

I saw this on instagram and immediately loved the mix of patterns! Looks even better in full view!

Hoda Katebi said...

Oh my gosh your story is pure entertainment, per usual! Where do you get the ideas for all of your creative stories and artwork!?
Anyway, I really love this "sofa" and as an avid pattern-clasher myself, I totally approve of this look! The kimono looks so fabulous on you--red is definitely your color! xx

<(') Hoda | JooJoo Azad

Lady parisienne said...

i love the kimono the print is awesome!! Perfect style!!

Imogen said...

Your writing is truly the best, how do you do it. I adore the kimono and it looks amazing with the polka dots. It reminds me of a combination I wore the other day- blue/white polka dots with red and black flowers over the top.

Katie Aman said...

This is SO funky and cool. I love all of the pattern mixing, and I love the way you styled such a statement piece. Your hair matches so perfectly too with how soft and flowing it is!
I hope you are having a happy week my darling!

Jen Hsieh said...

I'm not sure how I missed this post until now.

But god damn it girl, you slayed me. Both with your words and your outfit.

This wins post of the year in every way.

stevia indrawan said...

LOL you are so funny and so smart to think of such story
I just LOVE everything in this outfit
but if I have to pick a favorite it would have to be your boots

The Sweetest Escape