Monday, February 1, 2016

Gold Bars


______Sometimes, we ladies (and men as well) find ourselves in the sticky situation of being asked out by a person we would much rather not be asked out by. So here are ten tips to make light of the situation and say "no" without causing any hard feelings.

______1. Tell him you're moving to a very far-away country. If he asks why, narrow your eyes and coyly respond with, "They told me you'd ask that." Light a smoke bomb. Place it slowly on the ground between you and the askeree. Dash away freakishly as a plume of vibrant smoke saturates the air. The pretty colors will distract from the pain of rejection.

______2. Say that it would never be able to work between you two because he looks too much like your brother/cousin/dog/favorite television character who was killed off in season four.

______3. Begin burping the alphabet. If he hasn't left by the time you reach the letter "Z," reconsider your choice. He may be the one.

______4. Just start crying.

______5. Decline politely. Curtesy, pivot on one heel, and skip away whilst humming the Star Wars Imperial March theme.

______6. Look up and stare at the sky until he finally does the same. Tell him, "I fear the stars say no."

______7. Point out to him how you want to start having babies within the next six months. And lots of them. A wildly ridiculous amount. To the point where you have your own TV show about it. Show as much enthusiasm as you can about an such inane amount of babies as possible.

______8. Tell him you have a freakish appetite for garlic and a kink for breathing on people after consuming large portions of it.

______9. Enthusiastically let him know that your seven poisonous snakes would absolutely love to meet him. Tell him one got loose in the apartment this morning, but it always did that. It only bites people with hair that is (insert his hair color here).

______10. Keep smiling and blinking and shaking your head "no."

______11. If he asks you to dinner, tell him you've already eaten. If he asks you another night, tell him you've already planned to eat that night, too. And the next. And so on and so forth. You have a very strict diet. You only eat salted fish eggs, string potatoes, and kelp. In that order.

______But honestly, the best way to say no is to straight up say no. Giggles and shits aside, it's definitely the hardest to spit out, but it is the most effective. Most importantly, don't ever ask me for dating or relationship advice. I know nothing and strongly advise against performing any or all of these responses.


______Oh okay, lighting a colorful smoke bomb and trying to escape would be pretty comical. That's one of which I do approve.


Blazer: Forever21
Skirt: Moon Collection, via Modcloth
Oxford heels: Jeffrey Campbell
Bow ring: Charming Charlie
Star ring: c/o BornPretty (ALT10 for 10% off)
Adjustable rock bracelet: c/o BornPretty


Frannie Pantz said...

As usual, your wit is on point here as is your sartorial selection of the animal print skirt and military jacket! Personally, #5 is my fave. I mean, who could feel sad and rejected after that?

Elana said...

POOR GUY. But let's be honest, if you used those on any guy who is interested in you, he would only like you more. Hell, let me date you. We can learn how to burp the alphabet together.

Looking amazing, as usual. I will never get over these shoes. Never.

Lily Fang said...

Ali, your witty humor was exactly what I needed tonight. I especially love the number about saying that you had already planned to eat all the other days. All of them, really, were fabulous--I'm sure I looked crazy as I tried to stifle my laughs in a room full of fellow studying students. But in all seriousness, you're totally right--saying no without any excuses is the best way to decline an unwanted invitation. It's so much better to be clear and honest than to give false hope.

Outfit-wise, you're always on point! I especially like how fluid your style is--this look is edgy and preppy and glam whereas your last look is ethereal and bohemian. Both are beautiful!

Much love always!

imperfect idealist

Jessica said...

This was such a fantastic read. It's a sad world where I woman has to make up some kind of crazy excuse to get out of an awkward request like that unscathed, but it happens! I've done the straight up "no, I'm not interested thing" plenty of times, and sometimes the reaction that I get is "ok, thanks anyway," and sometimes it's "why are you such a bitch?" It's hard to tell what you're going to get sometimes.
But anyway, adorable outfit. I love the jacket, and those shoes are absolutely to die for.
Jessica, Zella Maybe

Kristian said...

Oh, dear, you envision some crazy hi=jinks, but, yeah, a straight out no is best.

Loving the jacket. A bit like Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Heart's Club band with a modern vibe. Very cool!

Eccentric Owl said...

Hahaha! All of these had me laughing so hard! The smoke bomb idea is a great one. ;) I remember getting asked out once because I accidentally flirted with a guy (long story) while I was a barista. He asked if he could take me to dinner that night, and I responded "Oh... probably not..." to which he said "Does that mean... probably not tonight, or probably not ever...?"

I felt so bad; I hadn't meant to lead him on, but I blurted something out before I realized that it kind of sounded flirty. I guess at least I learned to think about what I was saying before I said it! :D

You look amazing! I am in love with your jacket -- I used to have a similar one, but it eventually got too bedraggled and I had to throw it away.

The Dragonfruit said...

Shut up, you should write a relationship advise book and it can be filled with smoke bombs, garlic, and all these awesome methods xD
But yes, jokes aside, it's always best to say no right up front. I've slowly learned that -_-
HAHA poor guy!
Love your fun jacket here btw, I want to find one like it now 0_o

The Dragonfruit Diaries

jess said...

It's always best just to say no. You had some fun ideas.
Your bow ring is so cute!

Lorna Sharp said...

I'm not fond of this print but this outfit is very welled think for your shape, it goes out so good !
Nice job ;)


Sybil said...

almost like a marionette! love it! :D

Have a great week!
Animated Confessions

Midwest Muse said...

Well, for one I think crying is an EXCELLENT response. Secondly, you are absolutely hilarious. Maybe comedy is your calling and not art? Or art comedy? I'm not sure. Lastly, this outfit is what dreams are made of and I really can't handle how perfect your tall girl style is.

Carina Vardie said...

Stunning look and witty writing! Enjoyed this a lot!


LyddieGal said...

Ali! I am sharing this post with my little sister, who needs these tips badly. She keeps making the mistake of giving out her phone number to people she has zero interest in going out with because she does not know how to say no!
Chic on the Cheap

Rachel said...

Uh, you forgot the absolutely best one: "I'm married."

Regardless of whether it's true or not. I have actually responded "I'm married" to a guy who asked me out--granted, it was the truth, because I've been married forever, but I imagine regardless of whether it's true or not the guy's reaction to that kind of rejection would be hil-ar-i-ous.

By the way, I named you for one of the "Random Blog Awards" that I recently awarded on my blog. A dubious honor, at best, but I still thought you ought to know.

Jo said...

Ali! What have you done to me? You made me look like a Hyena guffawing at my laptop. You're too funny. I peeed in my pants reading your posts and I wouldn't know what I would do should I read your friend's blog (the one you mentioned in the other post)

Chrissy said...

I adore this outfit but I also like how you've added your own flare to the post that accompanies it. I've been accustom to not really reading a post which has Fashion because it's usually all in the photos so it is nice to see what you did here :)

Chrissy of