Tuesday, September 23, 2014

How to Eat Seeded Grapes


______The first step to properly eat seeded grapes is, quite frankly, to have seeded grapes in your possession.  This can happen only by mistakenly purchasing them or receiving them as a spiteful gift from that two-faced liar of a neighbor who also happened to kill your beloved plants when you asked her to water them on a short vacation.

______Perhaps your usual grapes were out of stock and you hastily grabbed those tempting, planetary-looking table grapes as a surefire replacement, or maybe you just forgot to read that darn label. No matter which way you decide to acquire them, it will always be a mistake, because nobody buys seeded grapes unless they want to sabotage or appall whoever is coming over for dinner that night.


______Upon acquiring your nasty, seed-filled grapes, you must proceed to pluck one from its aggregation of spherical brethren and pop it into your mouth. This action is very important and must be done with as little enthusiasm as possible. From here, you will swish the grape around in your mouth and nibble at it delicately, for you do not want to disturb the seeds that are lurking beyond the grape membrane. To do so is to knock at death's door. Why? Because these grapes have no logic, no manners, and no formula for their spontaneous seed counts; where as a large grape the size of a 25-cent bouncy ball may have four seeds, one that is extremely tiny may have just as many. This is also to say that a large grape may have just one seed that is floating away from the center of its expected growth point, because you know, seed spontaneity.

______There is no pattern, and the grapes know that damn well; you must ready yourselves against their unpredictable advances.

______As you munch carefully around the seeds, you will inevitably bite into the grape membrane and its enclosed grape plasma with too much force and scatter the seed(s) into an even more incoherent pattern. From here, your teeth will crunch uncomfortably on a something that will halt your chewing and silence your surroundings.

______Oh no. Oh dear.

______The seed.

______You have done it. You have bitten into the seed, and it will mingle with the grape parts and render the entire grape useless, and you will swallow parts of it and receive in your mouth an unpleasant, woody aftertaste. When (not if) this occurs, you will spit the grape out, frown disgustedly for an indefinite amount of time at a wall and/or the remaining bag of grapes themselves, and proceed to wallow in self-pity, most likely in a corner or at your dining table.

______And that, my friends, is how to properly eat seeded grapes.


Dress: Lulus (similar)
Necklace: Charming Charlie
Sandals: Franco Sarto


ChocolateFashionCoffee said...

such great photos :)

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Keit said...

I've never even eaten grapes that don't have seeds! Does such an unicorn exist? Grapes in Bulgaria are particularly seedy and I just swallow them :D My parents used to lie to me that if you eat the seeds to whatever a big ass tree will grow in your stomach, which is kind of scary, don't know why they did that to me, awful!
And oh golly gosh, this dress is everything!!!!! The bare back, the crochet, the color, the length, it's beautiful to the extreme!

Frannie Pantz said...

OMGosh you are so funny!!! I cannot stand seeded grapes. I usually don't realize until it's too late the grave mistake that I have made. When that sucker is already in my mouth and a freaking seed (or 5) comes out from left field. Ridiculous. Love this dress! The backless back (?) is just gorgeous!

Lady parisienne said...

OMG this dress is fantastic!! You look like a fairy!!

Pearl in Fashion said...

Great post and lovely look! Gorgeous dress darling!

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jess said...

This dress is so pretty you look like a princess.

Ivana Split said...

Somehow your story seems to be quite an appropriate metaphor for life...and more amusing than the usual 'roses have thorns' expression.

One must be bothered with seeds if one is to eat grapes...and vice versa. Here in Croatia we have a specific type of squirel that is tinier than the usual one and is sometimes mistaken for a mouse because of its gray colour- though I would never confuse the two.

Anyhow, this little creature called puh eats only seeds of the grapes so they would usually ruin all of the grapes we had in front of our house (we had more so that was never a worry). When I was little I used to leave them the seeds- though I always wondered would they be bothered because it was in my mouth first...I never found out.

...and now to you outfit! You're absolutely beautiful in this dress! You must wear it at least a dozen of times in the next week or so and bedazzle everyone with how amazing you look!!!!!!!!

Justine Prabucki said...

I've never had seeded grapes and I never want to. The whole experience just sounds atrocious. That dress however is the complete opposite. You look like so beautiful! I feel like that is the perfect dress to dress up or dress down.

Rachel said...

Seeded grapes are an abomination. And you look like a princess. Now I want to look like a princess, too.

Kristian said...

You look like a fairy princess in this- which has nothing to do with what you wrote about but- ethereal and fun at the same time!

Katie Aman said...

Hehe, Ah yes, seeded grapes are terribly difficult to eat! Anything with pits I stay away from really, I only make one exception for cherries because they are delectable, of course. But grapes, dang. Just say no to seeded grapes.
This is one of the most beautiful dresses on you. The color suits you perfectly (and I love the coordinating and stunning makeup you did here too!). The detail of the crushed material with the crocheted top is just so lovely, unique, and true to your style I think :)
You are a vision!

Jamie Rose D. said...

Ahahaha! I actually consciously bought seeded grapes one time. They were concord grapes and they were the tastier than any seedless grapes I've ever had. They reminded me of a grape vine we had when I was really little though so maybe it was my mind tricking me with nostalgia tastes!

Anyway, this dress is so awesome and looks wonderful on you! The backless-ness is amazing.

Jamie | PetitePanoply.com

Linda B said...

You little magician. You just wrote a whole post about eating seeded grapes and made it totally interesting. Lol how do you do that??
Come over here and write my blog for me...
Bahaha, ah Ali, I could completely envision each step and horrible moment of eating a seeded grape throughout this post xD
Albeit, it was nicely offset by such stunning photos of you in this FREAKING GORGEOUS dress. Such a soft, lilac color, lovely back, and textured bust. HELLOOOOOO BABY!

The Dragonfruit Diaries

LyddieGal said...

You are looking stunning in that dress - it works so perfectly for your figure.

As to seeded grapes. Ugh. The best course of action when you realize you have them in your possession is to simply throw them all away immediately.

Chic on the Cheap

Marlen said...

I totally just tasted that woody after taste just as you mentioned it. Shudder. And that's SO true- no one friggen buys them on purpose. Kind of like seltzer water. Why do they exist.

Also, you look like a princess. My love for you has just grown.

xo marlen
Messages on a Napkin

Jess Fets said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jess Fets said...

That dress is BEYOND LOVELY!!! *wheeze* Also, grapes. Let me tell you something about grapes. I love concord grapes, just one of the grapes that happen to contain many seeds. Though, I don't actually chew them, I pop the gooey grape part out of the purple(ish) exterior...almost like a grape exoskeleton..and swallow it whole. Then I chew on the tart outer shell for a bit. I actually go to the grocery for the sole purpose of buying six cartons or so at a time. People think I'm crazy. Maybe I am. But man, concord grapes are the bomb diggity. Jess out! (side note: It is gross to bite down on grape seeds though, ew)

E said...

Omigod, seeded grapes are the WORST! And the seed is so bitter if you accidentally bite into one, completely negating the sweetness of the grape meat. THE WORST.

The dress, however, is THE BEST. It seriously looks like it was made just for you and the necklace you paired with it is just perfect.

Imogen said...

Oh wow I can't even explain how gorgeous you look in this dress. The colour and lace is gorgeous but I especially love the backless design. I am always drawn to designs like that.

Rachel Lynne said...

You look so incredibly stunning in this dress, the color and everything is just perfect on you!

Tallia said...

Wow that dress is gorgeous!!!!

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Jo said...

We have shared our disdain for seeded grapes on Facebook and I'm here to read the post. OMG!!! This post reminds me of the style of writing in Never Hit a Jellyfish with a Spade. Have you read that book? I love it!

Boheme.Fille said...

Uh-la-la, amazing look! That dress is perfect, I love it on you!
I have a challenge for you on my blog. Do check it out! :D

Midwest Muse said...

You look absolutely beautiful.

Diana said...

Absolutely gorgeous dress, I have one similar here: http://www.newtouchofcolor.com/stil-romantic-pentru-plaja-rochia-roz-pudrat-si-turbanul-rosu/

Love your photos, you look so cute <3


Aiman Ghani said...

i love food, and this post is absolutely hilarious! so witty and unique, i'm so glad we share the same opinion on this matter. some of my blog posts include random things like this (and some are truly crazy, which I've yet to post) but it was so fun to read that. xoxo lovely dress, too!